Page 62 of Vicious Devotion

“I still feel like I should have said no.” I rub my hands over my face. “I just keep linking this all back to me, to all the decisions I made that put Gabriel and his family in danger?—”

“You have to stop,” Clara says softly. “Gabriel doesn’t blame you. No one blames you, except for you. Maybe try to figure out if there really is something here, outside of all of that, instead of always looking at whose fault this is, when you can’t even undo it. From what you’ve said, Gabriel has never given you even the slightest inkling that he thinks any of this is your fault.”

I shake my head. “No. He’s said the opposite a lot, actually. Vehemently.” I manage a small smile, looking sideways at Clara.

“There you go.” She holds up her hands. “So focus on what’s happening now. And what could happen in the future. Not a past you can’t change.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that he said love was off the table from the start,” I remind her. “This has definitely never been about a serious relationship.”

“Men say things they don’t mean all the time.” Clara grins. “Usually, it’s the opposite. Usually they’re smothering a girl with all kinds of sweet things to get her into bed, only to never actually mean most of it. But I think Gabriel might be different.”

“How so?” I look at her curiously. There’s a tiny flicker of hope in my chest, one that I’m terrified to nurture. I’ve gotten this far by being firm with myself, by reminding myself that believing in a future for us is only setting myself up for heartbreak. A heartbreak that I absolutely don’t need.

But now?—

My heart is going to be broken no matter what. Either Gabriel and I see this sham through until it’s safe, and I leave at the end of it all, because we’re never going to be able to just go back to what we were before. Not after this.

Or I give Gabriel a chance, and risk getting hurt.

I’m going to lose him and this family no matter what. Unless Clara truly sees something that I’m too afraid to allow myself to see, there’s no happy ending here.

But if she does, then I could be missing what’s right in front of me.

“I think Gabriel was being careful with you,” Clara says gently. “He had to be careful with you physically, right? I think he was being careful with your heart, too. He’s a good man. And he didn’t know if he had it in him to fall in love again. Maybe he really thought he couldn’t. And he didn’t want to give you any reason to think he was promising more than he was. But I think it’s changed for him. And maybe he doesn’t know if it’s changed for you, too.” She reaches over, squeezing my hand. “I think maybe you’re both going to second-guess yourselves out of something good.”

I laugh softly at that, wiping my cheek on my sleeve. “That does sound like something we would do.”

“I don’t know Gabriel very well,” Clara says. “But it sounds like you’ve both been through a lot. I think things could change for him, just like they’ve changed for you.”

I feel that tiny flicker of hope again. I’m so afraid to let it sink in, but for the first time, I don’t quickly extinguish it, either.

Maybe Clara, who is outside of all of this, has a point. Maybe she sees something that I haven’t.

Maybe there is a chance, after all.

19

BELLA

Watching Clara leave the next day is incredibly difficult. I have no idea when I’m going to see her again—I have no idea when I’ll be able to go home. We spent all of yesterday wandering the estate, taking a picnic lunch down to the lake, spying on Clara’s Italian crush while he worked with some of the racehorses. I can tell from the sleepy look on her face as she brings her bags out to the waiting car and hugs me that he didn’t let her get much sleep last night. I can also tell that she didn’t mind a bit.

“Remember what I said,” Clara murmurs in my ear as she hugs me, squeezing me tightly before letting go.

“I will,” I promise her. And I mean it. But after last night, I’m back to wondering if there really is any reason to hope that things might be different between Gabriel and me.

We all had dinner together and drinks out on the deck before Clara wandered off in search of her summer fling. Gabriel and I stayed up after Cecelia and Danny went to bed, drinking another glass of wine in relative silence in the soft summer night air. In any other relationship, it would have been blissfully romantic. But for us?—

For us, all I could think about was what’s hanging over our heads. The reason for our marriage. The fact that if not for that threat, none of this would have happened at all. How can I ever think that there’s anything else to it? An arrangement is just that—an arrangement. And Clara was right—she doesn’t know Gabriel. Not like I do.

He always means what he says. He’s never been anything less than straightforward with me. And what he said was that there’s no more room in his heart for love.

I could feel the tension between us when we went up to bed. I knew we were both thinking about what happened in that room the night before, about me on my knees in my wedding dress, about the puddle of lace on the floor as Gabriel undressed me, his hands and mouth all over me as he took me to bed. It felt like a palpable thing between us as we tried to fall asleep. I ended up taking a sleeping pill just to drown out that tension, as much as for any possible nightmares.

And this morning, I woke up with him curled against me, as if he’s drawn to me even in our sleep. Even through his clothes, I could feel all that warm, firm muscle, how hard he was pressed against my back. How much he wants me.

But desire doesn’t equal love.

My heart feels heavy in my chest as Clara gets into the car and waves. Three of Gabriel’s security are taking her to the airport—Gabriel doesn’t want to take any chances, even if Clara isn’t a target of Igor’s anger, so far as we know. But there’s no telling what he might try to do next. What angle he might attack from—and he will, eventually. There’s no question about that.

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