Page 6 of Pretend Girlfriend

“Believe it or not, I hated every minute of it. I was a teenage girl who was embarrassed by everything.”

“And now you’re a confident adult woman who goes on mule rides whenever she wants?” he asked.

“I do go on mule rides whenever I want,” I agreed. “But the amount of mule rides I want is zero.”

Theo clicked his tongue. “All right, there goes my idea for date number two.”

I scowled across the table at him. “Where in the Chicagoland area would we find mules to ride?”

“The Southside Mule Emporium,” he replied without hesitation.

I stared at him. “That’s not a real place.”

“It’s not,” he admitted. “But it could be. That’s why I asked you out on this date. I’m looking for a partner to invest in a risk-free business venture. Here are the pros: high profitability. Be your own boss. Spend all day cleaning up mule poop.”

“Mule poop is a pro? What are the cons?”

“Too much money,” he said with a straight face. “There’s a severe lack of mule-related services in the Chicagoland area. It’s a goldmine. You’ll probably need to rent a storage unit for all the cash you’ll make, like in Breaking Bad. Stacks and stacks of Benjamins.”

“Intriguing. We could set up our own high-speed mule lines to compete with the Metra.”

“Why spend your ten-minute work commute on a train that smells like urine, when you could spend an hour commute on a mule that smells like urine?”

“I’m sold. Take all my money.”

The two of us laughed together, which drew an annoyed look from Helen.

“Okay, can I be honest with you about something?” I asked.

“Let me guess. You’re not really interested in my mule-related pyramid scheme.”

“No, the mule thing is foolproof.” I took a sip of my drink. “Your Bumble profile. The photos aren’t very flattering. You’re a lot better looking in person.”

“Thanks for the compliment.” Theo leaned on his elbows and shrugged. “I need to upload some new photos. I look a lot different now than I did a few months ago. I moved into a new apartment with a dope gym, so I’ve been going hard six days a week.”

“Six days a week? Damn, I should call you Arnold. What do you do six days a week?”

“It’s called a PPL split. That stands for Push, Pull, Legs. The exercises are split up by type. Pushing motions, like bench press. Pulling motions, like power cleans. And legs, like squats.”

Boring workout story: minus one point.

“Your eyes are glazing over. I’m boring you, aren’t I?”

“No, not at all!” I replied. “Your work has paid off. You look really good.”

Theo smiled. “Thanks. That means a lot coming from someone like you.”

“A lawyer?”

“No, a hottie.”

I felt myself blush. “Okay, another first-date question. What’s your favorite movie?”

“Mad Max: Fury Road,” Theo replied immediately. “It’s an insane fever dream of a movie, and Charlize Theron is dope in it. She could crush my skull with her thighs and I wouldn’t even be mad.”

I had never seen it, but I knew it was a flashy action film. Not a very deep answer. Minus one point, Theo.

“Mine is You’ve Got Mail,” I said. “Kind of cheesy, I know…”

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