Page 16 of Pretend Girlfriend

“My mother,” I replied. “I want to make sure you sit next to her. She’s the one we need to convince. She needs to love you.”

“Why does it matter if she loves me?”

“Because,” I said, “if she doesn’t like you, then she’ll still try to set me up with her coworkers. She’s an elementary teacher, and there are approximately seven billion of her young, single colleagues that she wants to set me up with. My brother is getting married next weekend, and then we’re going on a big family honeymoon together. The next two weeks will be miserable if my mom isn’t convinced that you’re amazing. So it’s your job to do and say whatever it takes to make her happy.”

“I understand the assignment. Don’t worry—parents love me. I still get text messages from two of my ex’s mothers. By the end of the night, she’ll be begging you to propose to me.”

I nodded, but my attention was at the front of the restaurant. I could see my family walking in from the parking lot. “That’s them. Any final questions before we do this?”

“How long is your penis?”

I stared at her.

“It’s vitally important that my character knows this information,” she said with complete seriousness.

“Ten inches,” I replied. “Flaccid.”

Joanna giggled. “So you do have a sense of humor.”

“Any other legitimate questions?”

She knocked back the rest of her tequila and shook her head. “I’m ready. Don’t worry: this will be the best twenty thousand dollars you’ve ever spent.”

“That wasn’t part of the deal.”

She tilted her head. “Ten thousand dollars?”

“You’re not taking this seriously.”

“I’m taking this night as seriously as it deserves.” She threaded her arm into mine. “Let’s go meet mommy and daddy.”

I let out a long sigh. It was already feeling like this night was going to be a mistake.

6

Joanna

Life was so much easier when you didn’t take things seriously. I’d learned that back in law school while studying for the Illinois Bar Exam. So much of those years were spent doing extremely serious things, that when I actually had some time to myself, I made sure to relax. If you couldn’t laugh at yourself, then life wasn’t worth living.

I had decided to have fun with this evening, because it was a ridiculous concept. Pretending to be Landon’s girlfriend for a night to impress his parents? It was dumb. I would never have agreed to something like this if not for the chance of a job at DefTec.

I was still buzzing from last night’s date with Theo, too. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, despite our long-term incompatibilities with regards to children. It was too bad I had to wait two weeks to see him again. This dumb dinner had cock-blocked me.

I’d better get that job.

“Remember,” Landon said as we approached the front of the restaurant where his family was entering. “Just tell my mother whatever she wants to hear.”

“I understand the assignment.” I stole a glance at Landon’s pants. “Seriously though, ten inches? I could tie that thing in a bow.”

Landon snickered. “Stop it. You’re making me laugh.”

“That’s the idea. They’ll think I’m funny.”

They came through the door and I put on my best smile. Landon made some quick introductions, and I mentally took note of everyone:

Bradyn, Landon’s brother, who was getting married next weekend. He had straight black hair like Landon, but he was already showing signs of balding, whereas Landon’s hair looked too thick to get a comb through it.

Marisa, Bradyn’s fiancée.

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