Page 2 of Blinded By Hate

“Better. I eat the same as I told you last time,” I lie smoothly. Sometimes I might miss breakfast or lunch because I’m too busy or in a rush. But she doesn’t need to know that. “I have talked to my doctor about it, and she always makes sure I’m eating right and my A1C is in range. No more binging and then purging right after. I don’t like it when Junior asks me why I’m not eating with him at dinner.”

Patience nods her head again.

She does a lot of that, nodding her head at the good things I’m improving on.

“How are you feeling regarding your father?”

At the mention of him I feel nothing.

I know it’s shitty for a daughter to not feel anything regarding her dead father but to me, he died a long time ago.

There are always times when I wish I had something better than what my father gave.

“Nothing. I don’t know why I never feel anything for him when I think about the news my mother told me.”

My father died three years ago, when I moved to New York.

He was speeding on the highway while drunk and he ended up in a car crash where he died on impact.

I mean, that’s what he gets for doing that. Putting himself and others at risk while drunk was a stupid decision and he paid for that as well as all the other damage he caused.

All my father was, was a parasite that infected everything he touched.

I mean look at me?

I was one of the unlucky ones that got infected by the one person who was supposed to love me.

But he’s gone and I couldn’t help but feel relieved about him not reaching out again or talking to me.

I did ask him one night, just to give him a chance, if he wanted to meet his grandson and he told me to fuck off.

I never contacted him again.

“Does that make me a bad person?” I ask Patience.

She shakes her head. “No, Jaclyn. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You never saw your father as someone to look up to, so his death wasn’t significant to you. You only ever saw him as a regular person.” I nod my head at her, understanding and agreeing because she’s right. My father stopped being my father a long time ago. “And then what about him? What happens when you hear about him or see him?”

I’ve stopped crying about him every night. It took a good year or so to stop when Junior was born. I had other things to think about when Junior was born so I didn’t have time to think about the boy who ruined me.

My heart still aches, like a part of it is missing whenever I look at him or hear his name.

“I’m better than I was five years ago.”

“Do you still cry about him?”

I shrug. “I do, sometimes when I feel lonely or miss him.”

“And that’s normal. Have you gone out recently?”

I shake my head. “No, no dating for me. I want to focus on Junior.”

“You know it is healthy to date other people or at least see someone. It could help too, putting yourself out there,” Patience explains while I just sit there and stay quiet. “Hayden was your first love and he’s the father of your first child. He will always be a constant in your life because of that. But that doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold.”

“Yea,” I mumble while looking at Junior.

Whenever I look at Junior, I always see him because Junior reminds me so much of him.

“Junior gives you purpose. Anytime you’re having those thoughts, keep looking at Junior. He gives you strength. Usually, mothers who experience something traumatic cling onto their child because you grow a bond. That bond is so strong, and it keeps you going.”

---