Page 57 of The Villain

Why would Tera teach me that? It’s the only personality trait that she can’t get behind without a lot of convincing. How did Shade do it?

He isn’t what I thought he was.

My lack of response works against me.

“Fuck you, South,” he shakes his head and walks back towards his apartment.

“I owe,” I insist. I don’t want him to tell me to go away over this. I want to understand him.

“I said no,” he snaps over his shoulder. “I won’t accept it. Get lost.”

A sharp stabbing sensation hits me in the chest as he turns the corner and disappears from view.

The emptiness inside me snaps awake.

I have to walk away. I struggle with myself so long I realize I’ve walked to the coffee shop without him. I’m tempted to buy him his tea and force myself to stop. He needs to be safe and happy.

He’s definitely not happy with me.

What do I do now?

I have to let go.

15. Play Dead

South

I watch the phone store clerk fiddling with the new machine absently, my mind lost in thought.

My disjointed dreams have come back with a vengeance. Memories all jumbled up from the drugs I was given trying to become a cohesive story from the past. The dreams twist it in a spiral of darkness and rage, warping everything I knew before I stopped pretending to be normal.

All the doctors Tera had me speak to about it said it was a normal reaction to trauma. The dreams come and go when they want. Mainly when I somehow become upset. More proof for Tera that I have emotions despite the fact I don’t feel fear. None of that has ever bothered me. A minor inconvenience.

The lack of sleep? That’s another story. Exhaustion makes my control slippery, harder to hold onto. And my mind won’t stop replaying my last conversation with Shade.

It took a while for me to understand what he was saying to me. It had to sink in one little tidbit at a time. Piling up to become a truth I don’t like. I’ve spent way too much time dissecting his words to find hidden meanings. Or obvious ones.

He mocked me about Tera helping me with emotions. He could only learn that from Tera herself. They’ve been discussing me. Why? I’ve kept her out of most of my interactions with him so she wouldn’t try and keep him away from me. He obviously had no problem talking and it put her on high alert.

How much about me did she say? Not enough if he thinks I faked anything with him.

It’s odd that everything seems a little duller now that I’m away from Shade. I’ve gone back to my version of normal. He had me seeing things in technicolor. I’m blaming the lack of sleep. And the fact that every other second I’m thinking about him. I’m picking a mental scab to watch it bleed over and over again.

I’m not supposed to fixate.

All of this has that empty spot inside me writhing around uselessly. There aren’t many viable options to take this out on.

I could fill it up by fucking with the assholes who insist on following me everywhere. I’m on day two of it and already I’m annoyed. I can’t do anything to them without paying a heavy price. At least they didn’t damage my truck stealing the old phone.

I need a break. Real sleep. I wonder if I have any more of those sleeping pills left. If so, where did I pack them?

I lean against the counter and watch Felix watch me. He gives me a mocking wave that I don’t respond to. Would killing him help me sleep tonight? I’m willing to find out.

“Updates are all done.”

I look at the phone and then the employee. “My music will be on it?”

“Yup,” he chirps happily. “All of the music you’ve bought is in here now.”

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