Page 79 of The Sidekick

I nod thoughtfully. “I got therapy, you know. While I was gone. It’s been helping me a lot.”

He looks surprised and dismayed at the same time. “Why? You’re perfect the way you are.”

I give him a small, disbelieving smile. “Was I perfect when I ran away and hid with no idea what I was doing, even while it was happening? No. I threw my phone out of my car while driving down the highway, Max. The most perfect thing I’ve ever done for myself is to admit I needed some help and get it. I’m not ashamed of that.”

“You shouldn’t be,” he agrees and scowls, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like it’s dumb or anything. I love how you are, even when you think you aren’t perfect. I don’t see what you do when I look at you.”

I scoff a laugh, trying to push away the emotions he’s stirring up. I don’t want him to comfort me because that will lead me back into the danger zone of feelings.

“I’m serious.” He takes the steps to be right across the bar counter from me. “We all screw up, Tera. All of us. That doesn’t make us less as people or even wrong. I fuck up almost daily, and you know what? I own that shit, just like you do. I used to never ask for help outside of Trevor, even when I needed it. I act like an asshole to get what I want. Does it make me wrong? Probably. But I like the way I am. I accept myself. Maybe this doctor will help you like you as much as I do, I don’t know. Maybe you need all of us to convince you. Who gives a shit as long as you get there?”

I swallow hard, struggling to keep my Shade imitation face in place.

“I’m not going away.” He says it slowly as he leans forward. “I’ll hold your hand the entire time if you let me. If you don’t, I’ll follow behind to make sure you don’t fall.”

I bite down on my inner cheek as hard as possible to keep my emotions in check. How dare he try and give me some kind of comfort when he can’t be with me? I begin to get angry at the disillusionment that thought brings up.

“Stop it,” I turn away sharply so he can’t see the anger beginning to fill me. My hands shake as I reopen the fridge for something to focus on. The cold air hits my flushed face, cooling me.

“No,” he snaps back as I bury my head in the shelves. “What do I have to do for you to get it?”

“Oh, I get it, alright,” I glare at the innocent milk. I’m surprised it doesn’t curdle the way I’m staring. “You want some little sex toy to spice up your relationship. I’m not interested.”

He sucks in a sharp breath, and suddenly he’s gripping my bicep, pulling me out of the fridge and spinning me to face him. The rage there surprises me, but I don’t take the words back. They’re the truth, and he knows it. I’m not falling back into that trap. I maintain the anger until he pulls me into his chest and tightly wraps his arms around me.

His body is warm and familiar, his cologne comforting and everything I’ve been looking for so desperately and not finding. He smells like coming home, and I hate him for it a little bit because it’s a lie my body is trying to convince my heart to give in to.

“You don’t get anything,” his face is buried in my neck as he inhales deeply and releases it in a heated breath that sends goosebumps slipping down my arms. “You think I invite women between me and Trevor all the time, don’t you? You think we just use people and throw them away. Fucking Trevor, man. He fucks up more shit than I do, and that’s saying something.”

I flinch as he mentions his boyfriend, reminding me I’m one of those things he messed up. I try to pull away from Max, but he refuses to let go, backing me into the closed fridge door as he groans.

“Please don’t. Don’t pull away from me.”

“Don’t do this,” I beg quietly. I’m holding onto the suddenly unraveling threads of my strength with both hands as tightly as possible, refusing to wrap my arms around him.

“I have to. He. Fucking. Lied. It only took him five minutes to push you away. That’s exactly how long it took to get his meds. I should have never left you alone with him. I thought he was finally seeing you, the real you. Not the bitter filter we both use on everyone.”

“He saw me alright,” I say flatly, turning my face away in the only rejection of this embrace I can do. He saw and used what he knew to rip me into pieces, just like everyone else.

“He didn’t see shit,” he says through gritted teeth, and his arms tighten almost painfully. “I’ve seen you. I know what it’s like for your affection to wash over me, cleaning every bad thing I’ve ever done away. No one has ever made me feel like that before. I want that every day. Yeah, I want to fuck you so bad I can’t stand it, so what? I also want to lie with you and hold you close. I want you to tell me every secret you have because you know you can trust me. I want to give you all of mine because you’re the only person who would give a shit about them.”

“That’s not true,” I choke out, trying not to let the tears fall now that they’ve pooled in my eyes. “If he didn’t care about them, you wouldn’t be with him.”

“This isn’t about him. This is about you. Us. I want anything you’ll give me, even if I have to wait,” despite his words, he begins pressing the softest kisses along the sensitive skin above my collarbone, causing a soul-weakening shudder to go down my spine.

Max isn’t the one who hurt me. He welcomed me with open arms and panty-melting flirtation. He’s never made me feel like the worst version of myself. I’m punishing him for the actions of other people, and I know it. How do I stop and keep my heart intact? Can I pause this and call Dr. Robinson?

“You say it isn’t about him, but it is,” my voice shakes heavily, and I’m weak because, like a fool, I tilt my head to give him better access for his kisses. “There is no you without him.”

Max buries his face in my neck, taking deep, shuddering breaths as his hands work restlessly up and down my back. “Tell me what happened. Tell me, and I’ll fix it.”

“You can’t fix this, Max.” I laugh weakly and bury my face into his shoulder, finally relenting and snaking my arms around his waist to hold him. If only he could fix it. Fix me.

He draws back and tilts my face up with one hand, staring at me hungrily as his eyes wander over my face, taking in every emotion and tear blatantly displayed now that the mask has fallen.

“Here’s your first lesson in being with me. Are you listening? If I can’t fix it, I will rip that motherfucker into pieces and make him start from scratch. Again. You’re it for me, and if he doesn’t get his shit together, that’s on him.”

“Max,” I protest with a frown filled with worry. “Please don’t do that. You can’t cut him out because you found something to play with.”

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