Page 133 of The Sidekick

The glowing contentment I’ve been operating under shatters suddenly, and I curl up beneath my blankets with wide eyes.

I just had my first real orgasm with a man too perfect to be real. I ate almost half a bowl of fettuccine in one sitting without a single problem. I even considered dessert before my stomach reminded me I was way too full for that, no matter how good the cheesecake looked in the picture.

The quick burst of joy gets wiped out with remorse in a blink.

I let a guy finger me in a public bathroom. I begged him for it. He talked dirty to me, and I didn’t even blink at all the curse words.

What would Max say?

I suck in a breath as a sharp stab of pain hits my heart. I miss him. So much. And now I’ve done something he could never forgive me for. When the tears start falling, scalding my cheeks, I let them. They aren’t the violent, wrenching sobs I’ve gotten used to and fought so hard against. This is a quiet mourning of a delusion’s death.

I debate for a second on calling Max to confess. I’m too emotionally drained to let it be more than a passing thought for now.

And Asher. He was so smooth and calm about it all. Eating with a smile, walking me to my car with a chaste kiss on my cheek. Making rude comments that Shade ignored with a smile.

I wonder if he’s done this kind of thing before. Being perfect to get what he wants. Satan does. Maybe they’re the same.

I bury my head in my pillow as the tears fall faster. The negative thoughts circle around without stopping, filling me with shame. I doubt I’m going to hear from Asher again.

I’m almost asleep as I come to terms with myself when my phone starts chirping. I don’t want to pick up, but the thought that this is really late in the night to be calling prompts me to fling my hand out and pull it over to me.

Asher’s name pops up, along with the time. It’s three o’clock, and he’s awake?

“Asher?” I answer, sitting up and suddenly wide awake. Is he calling to say thanks, but we’re done now?

“I miss you,” he says softly, and I sit in stunned silence.

The loneliness of my own empty bedroom weighs on me as I glance around and confess in a whisper, “I miss you too.”

Maybe if he was here, all this negative self-image would take a break for a minute.

“Come over,” he instantly replies, the quiet hesitance gone from his voice.

“I can’t do that,” I hiss back and glance around.

I don’t know why I’m so scandalized. It’s not like I’m some kid under curfew. Shade can’t even hear me talking with our walls so well insulated. I don’t need to whisper.

“Hmm, I guess the afterglow has faded. You should come over so I can get you back in that headspace.” His soft laugh makes me want to giggle and agree.

Wait a second.

“Is this a booty call?”

“What!?” His laughter gets louder, and I huddle, a little insulted that it isn’t, even though I felt insulted at the thought it was.

Once his laughter settles, he says, “I don’t want just sex. I’m trying to behave myself. I don’t think your roommate would appreciate me showing up this early.”

“Then, why are you calling?” I ask, bewildered.

“This is me calling you to tell you I’m a pathetic sap who wants you near him all the time.”

“You aren’t a pathetic sap,” I tell him sternly. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

He makes a thoughtful sound, and we both lapse into silence.

“Talk to me,” Asher’s voice deepens as the humor washes out of his tone, and my body loosens until I’m lying back with my head on the pillow again.

“What about?” I ask softly. If I close my eyes, I can pretend he’s right here with me.

---