Page 105 of The Fix

I nod, thankful in this moment that security follows both Aria and Cedar around when they appear in public because the park we’re approaching is dark and intimidating.

And probably filled with all kinds of riff raff at night.

“I’m so sorry.” The words are shaky when they leave my lips. “I didn’t mean to ruin your guys’ night.”

“Nonsense.” Cedar shakes her head, her raven-colored hair flowing around her shoulders, the thin stripe of red peeking out from behind her ear with the movement.

“You didn’t ruin anything, Anna,” Aria adds, her brows pinched, creating a vee between them. She uses the hand on me to pull me to a stop just in front of one of those little benches most parks have right at the entrance of the greenery, and gives me an encouraging push. “I ran out on a concert once.”

Cedar snickers as I settle into the seat and try my best not to think about the number of germs transferring from the wood to my butt.

The number of germs in my ear from that stranger …

“And I had a panic attack right in the middle of a tattoo festival.” Cedar slides into the seat beside me. “Not sure if that’s what happened with you just now, but it’s totally cool if it was.”

“I’m honestly not sure …” I shrug and brush away invisible lint from my skirt, my sight trained on the grass beneath Aria’s feet. “It was fine until—”

I cut myself off and bite my lip.

“Until what?” One of them ask and I feel the heat rise on my face.

Sighing, I shrug.

Because how can I explain that the man called me a name way too close to the one that Toby does without giving everything away?

There’s no way I can tell either of them that Mama and all its variations prompts all kinds of thoughts in my head about a man that they know and I want, but can’t have.

It’s not for me to tell Cedar or Aria about the tryst that happened at the cabin, one that’s over with for good, without giving it away that at some point, the playing around became serious for me.

That just makes me sound pitiful and no different that the woman that blackmailed him to begin with.

I shrug again when I feel both of them just staring at me. It’s all I can manage when it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.

For the man that Toby could be.

For the version of him that I fell in love with anyway.

Neither of which are mine to keep.

“So, I just want to say something.” Aria crouches in front of me, her head dipping until her green eyes meet mine. “Both instances C and I just mentioned, the panic attacks? They were both because of other people and the uncertainty that comes with exposing yourself to them.”

She nods encouragingly, her eyes so soft and understanding that I feel tears prick the backs of my eyes.

“And sometimes,” Aria continues as Cedar’s hand finds my shoulder and rubs soothingly. “It helps to talk it through with someone else.”

The woman’s perfectly sculpted brow arches expectantly, almost knowingly, and my heart swells for a moment. A beat.

“Just say his name,” Cedar snarls next to me. “And I’ll go get that fucking bat.”

Is it possible to feel both heartbroken, and loved at the same time?

I snicker, and it comes out thick. “It’s really no … big deal.”

“That’s it. I’ll be back,” Cedar leans up from the seat like she’s leaving for real and I grab her arm, stopping her midair.

“Seriously, it’s fine. No one needs the Slugger.”

“Aw,” Aria coos, still crouched in front of me and snickers. “She even knows his name.”

---