Page 162 of Devious Knight

He spent the last few years of his life as an orphan because of me.

Oh God, what have I done?

And he knew. He knew this whole time.

Kade stands and rests his hands on my shoulder. “I don’t blame you. You were used. You were trying to find out what happened to your mother. The same as me.”

“It’s not the same thing. My actions, my foolish, foolish actions did this to you.” Tears pour out of my eyes like heavy rain.

“You didn’t know. That’s why they used you.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you or anyone.”

“I know you are.”

I gaze into his eyes, and my mind tracks back to his original question. He asked me if I could be his and move on from the past. I understand the question more fully now.

“You still want to be with me, knowing what I did?” I look at him in disbelief.

“I know I don’t blame you.”

“But you were right to do so.”

“No. I’ve moved on from that.”

“Why? How can you?”

“Because I love you.”

Rugged breaths ripple through my chest as his words wrap around my mind. There was a time in my life when I would have sold my soul to hear those words. I still would—more than ever. Back then, I didn’t know what it was like to be with him, or to be in love with him. Now I do.

And I can’t have him.

“I love you, too. That’s why I can’t do this.” The tightness in my chest returns, feeling like a thousand clamps are pressing down on my lungs.

That cautious look in his eyes returns, too, telling me he knew what I would say.

“You’re mine, so I’m not gonna let you go.”

“You have to. You can’t forgive me for this, Kade. It doesn’t matter why I did it, or how sorry I am. You mustn’t forgive me. I can’t even forgive myself.”

He releases me with a heavy sigh and shrugs. “I meant what I said. I’m not gonna let you go. Take whatever time you need. I’ll be waiting. You liked me first, but that was because you saw me first. When I saw you, I loved you. I just didn’t know it at the time, Lolita.”

He steps away from me, but his words stay in my heart.

I watch him go, and my soul crumbles under the weight of the truth.

I don’t know what to do. The darkness surrounding my heart feels like it’s going to swallow me whole and leave nothing behind, so I’ll never be able to breathe again.

I made bad decisions because of Parker. I couldn’t even tell Kade about him. I’ve done enough.

All the things I did back then are on me. Not Parker.

And now everything is a mess, and I can’t fix it.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Kade

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