Page 48 of His

“And I’ve told you a hundred times to go fuck yourself.”

Squire chuckles, pats me on the back. “I’ll never stop, Astor. It’s my job to advise you on your health. What was the other thing? You said you had two reasons for Valerie bringing up Chloe’s name being hard on you.”

I exhale. “It brings back all the memories. Feels like it was yesterday that I lost my only child. My only blood.”

“I can imagine. Especially what a miracle it was to have gotten pregnant again so soon after the miscarriage.”

“What?”

Squire frowns. “You know . . . the miscarriage.”

I blink, shake my head. “Miscarriage? What miscarriage? What are you talking about?”

The porch swing stills and Squire is frowning intensely, staring at me in a way that sends my instinct piquing.

“What, Squire?”

He blinks, having trouble finding his words.

“What? Speak.”

“I . . . I thought you knew.”

“Knew what?” My heart is pounding against my ribcage.

“When Valerie became a patient of mine, I had her doctor send over her medical records. She miscarried the first baby you and she had, at six weeks.”

My head begins spinning. An ice-cold chill snakes up my spine.

“Astor. Are you okay?”

“She—she never told me.” Sweat breaks out over my skin, and my lungs feel like they are being squeezed from the inside out. “And I—I never joined her at any of the appointments… I didn’t know—she didn’t tell me . . .”

“It can be a difficult thing for a woman to go through. It’s not uncommon for women to feel embarrassed and think it was somehow their fault. Again, it was a miracle you two were able to get pregnant again the next month, so soon . . . Astor—Astor, are you okay? You’re as pale as a?—”

I’m vaguely aware of Squire pulling me onto the ground and guiding me to lay down while I gasp for air.

“Breathe, son, breathe. Feel the ground beneath you, focus on the feeling of the ground beneath you…” His voice sounds like it’s underwater as he guides me through a meditation to alleviate panic attacks. “…The ground is there to support you. Feel the ground underneath your heels, your calves, your thighs . . .”

I’m not sure how much time passes before I feel less like I’m falling out of an airplane and more like I’m in shock. I sit up, but remain on the ground.

Squire is kneeled beside me, his hand on my knee. He looks extremely concerned.

“You okay? You passed out on me. . . . Astor talk to me.”

I squint, forcing my focus on Squire.

When I speak, my voice doesn’t sound like my own. It sounds weak. “Valerie and I didn’t have sex again until after Chloe was born. I didn’t want to risk hurting the baby after she’d told me she was pregnant.”

Squire’s eyes widen. “Wait, so you had sex one time, the first time she was pregnant?”

“Yes. Oh my . . .”

“Breathe, Astor.”

I swat away his hand, anger beginning to mix with the shock. “Valerie miscarried our child, and then got pregnant with someone else immediately after—and didn’t tell me.”

Squire’s jaw drops. “I’m sorry—I just always assumed it was yours.”

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