Page 24 of His

My jaw clenches at the terrible thought, followed by a wave of heat surging through my body. My heart begins to race.

I curse my body, desperately willing the anxiety to subside so as not to wake her.

Before Sabine, my anger—my rage—was my curse. Controlling it was impossible. Before Sabine, I lived a life driven by guilt, suppressed until it turned me into a stone-cold bastard. I believe I’m better on both counts. But since Sabine has entered my life, a new emotion has taken over. Anxiety. Controlling this has become my latest challenge.

Until now, I didn’t allow myself to love anyone. Losing a mother, a daughter, and living a life surrounded by death shaped that decision. I couldn’t afford emotions. They made you messy. But now that I’ve found myself deeply, madly in love with Sabine, the fear of losing her is all consuming.

It keeps me up at night. It steals my thoughts, my dreams, my ability to make sound decisions.

My entire world revolves around one single thing now.

Keeping her.

She stirs, and I close my eyes and take another deep inhale. But it doesn’t help. In my mind’s eye, I picture Sabine bleeding out on the floor, and Valerie dragging herself across the concrete screaming at me.

I break out in a cold sweat.

My phone vibrates from the nightstand, pulling me from the pending panic attack.

More calls, more texts, more emails.

More pressure.

I suddenly feel like I’m suffocating. As quietly as I can, I work my arm out from under Sabine and lift out of bed.

I run to the faucet, suck down ice-cold water until the heat subsides, then splash it on my face. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, a feeling of dread clenching my stomach, a feeling that I’m not in control of anything anymore.

Not of Valerie, the wife I’ve never loved, who now needs me 24/7, while I want nothing more than to never see her again.

Not of Sabine, the woman I’d take a bullet for, who is uncomfortable in her new surroundings. Not of Astor Stone, Inc., the company I’ve given my life to, only to abandon for love.

I grit my teeth, staring at my reflection.

Stop.

Focus, Astor.

Focus on what’s most important.

I wipe my face, walk back into the bedroom.

In her, I receive clarity.

She is what’s most important.

Everyone and everything else can go to hell.

Fifteen

Sabine

The next morning, I sleep in while Astor rises before daybreak and tends to Valerie, before settling in behind his computer to catch up on work, as he planned to do.

When I wake, I’m somewhere between relief to be with Astor again, and unease knowing that I’m a hallway away from his wife.

The sun is rising in a crystal blue sky. We slept with the windows open, and the room smells of sea breeze and blooming flowers. I should smile, appreciate the beauty around me, but instead, I find it all tainted—by her.

Astor’s words trickle through my head. One hour at a time…

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