Page 88 of Mine

I surge from my chair and chase after her but stop.

Stop, Sabine.

On the mantel, a candle burns around a dozen pictures of Valerie.

I want to scream.

Go look at his bed.

My heart racing, I run into the master bedroom. There, on the pillow next to his, is a freshly picked daffodil.

Fifty-Two

Sabine

When Astor enters the bedroom, I’m lying in bed, crying, gripping the pillow so tightly that my knuckles are white.

Although the lights are off and the room is dark, I bury my head in the pillow because I don’t want him to see me cry.

“Go away.”

The mattress shifts with his weight, followed by a waft of fresh, earthy air.

Gently, he pulls my shoulder, rolling me onto my side. “Shit, Sabine. Please don’t cry. Please stop.”

“I can’t.”

“Dammit, please stop.” His voice is quivering now.

He rolls me onto my back. I carry the pillow with me, covering my face.

“Sabine.” He takes the pillow from my hands.

I blink up at him, swiping the tears from my cheeks.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, or make you cry tonight. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please stop crying.”

“Don’t tell me what to do—just let me cry.”

“Then I’ll sit with you until you stop.”

He lies down on the bed, facing me. For a long time, we stare at each other, saying nothing.

“I’m so confused, and I don’t want to get hurt,” I whisper.

“I don’t want to be the cause of any of your pain, Sabine,” he whispers back. “I am not in love with Valerie, and it breaks my heart that you think that ... I admit, I don’t know how to navigate this—you and me, and everything that’s happening around us right now—and I’m afraid I’ll fail miserably. But I do know that you are all I think about, minute by minute, hour by hour. That every moment we’re not together, I’m thinking about when I can touch you again. Can I touch you, Sabine?”

I sweep my hand over the covers, resting it between us. He loops his pinky finger around mine, then exhales softly as if my touch alone is a relief for his pain.

“While I was outside checking the fence, I was thinking about us. About how the feelings you stir inside me remind me of my childhood when I didn’t have a care in the world. Free and floating and hopeful ... You told me I make you feel alive. Sabine, you make me feel like I’m flying.”

Tears fill my eyes.

He inches closer to me.

“You deserve peace. You deserve to be kissed every day, to be reminded how beautiful you are, and how smart, and funny, and strong you are. You deserve the world, and a man who can give it to you.”

He kisses my knuckles.

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