Page 79 of Fragments of You

“And what if there’s nothing left worth fixing?” I blink past the tears that tickle my lashes.

“You don’t believe that.”

“I loved you, you know. I loved you harder and more fiercely than you ever deserved, and I got a knife in my back for my troubles. And still, when you came back, all I wanted to do was run to you. I didn’t care that you had broken my heart into a million pieces. You were, and will probably always be, the person I want more than any other. Even when I’ve promised myself to another man, I still can’t seem to find a way to let you go. And that, Nash, is the very reason I have to leave. Because loving you is killing me.”

The hurt that tugs at his handsome features damn near brings me to my knees, but I refuse to let it. For as hard as this is, I know what has to be done. In a way, I think I’ve always known. The only way to be free is to let go of that which keeps you chained.

“I can do better. I will do better.”

“I know you want to, and maybe you’d even try, but we both know too much damage has been done. We had our shot. It’s time to let go.”

“You know I can’t do that.” The desperation seeping from his pores is so tangible I can almost reach out and touch it.

I feel his fear and pain as if they were my own, and while I have no doubt in my mind that this will be the hardest thing I will ever do, I know my path forward, and it isn’t with Nash, no matter how much I wish it could be.

“You don’t have a choice. I’m leaving, Nash, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever come back. It’s time to let go of the past. Holding on to the past is what got me here in the first place. I clung to Felix because he was the closest thing I had to you, and it made me blind to who he really was. Everything comes back to you. It always has.”

“I don’t know how to live without you.”

“Sure you do. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’ll find your way without me just as I will find my way without you. It’s time we find out who we are without each other.”

“Please don’t leave, P. I love you.”

I swipe away the tears that stain my cheeks.

“And I love you,” I tell him, taking a full step back. “Until my last breath.”

This time when I move to step past him, he lets me.

I can barely see through my tears now, my heart mourning the loss of a part of itself.

Nash was right about one thing, though. There’s nothing broken that can’t be fixed and one day, my heart will heal. I have to believe that.

Opening my passenger door, I toss my bags inside before moving to the driver’s side of the car. I’ve just pulled open the door when Nash says my name.

I know I shouldn’t look at him, but I can’t stop my eyes from going to him just the same.

I drink in the sight of him one last time. His messy hair. His broad shoulders. His sky-blue eyes that even at this distance, I can see are shining brightly with tears.

“I’ll wait for you.”

“Don’t,” I croak, emotion clogging my throat.

“I’ll wait for you forever.”

Not able to form another word, I simply nod. If there’s one thing I have learned over the years, it’s that Nash will do whatever he wants, and it won’t matter what I say anyway.

“I love you,” he calls as I climb into the car.

I have no doubt that in his own way, he does. And he has no idea how much I wish it were enough. But sometimes, the pain someone causes overshadows that love. I think that’s when you know there’s no going back to the way things once were.

That kind of love, as young and carefree as the people who share it, can only exist that way for so long. And while I love Nash just as fiercely as I did back then, it doesn’t change the fact that we aren’t children anymore, and at some point, we have to let go of childish fantasies.

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting go of the childish dream that Nash and I would be together forever, and facing the reality that life oftentimes doesn’t work out the way you want it to. There’s a sort of beauty in that acceptance.

Even knowing this, it doesn’t make it any easier to drive away, leaving him standing in the middle of my parents’ lawn, forced to watch me disappear from view.

I have no doubt it will forever be the hardest thing I will ever have to do, and yet, I find a way through, just as I know I will find my way through what comes next.

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