Page 68 of Fragments of You

I feel pleasure. I feel excitement. I feel love.

Nash moves at a snail’s pace, giving my body time to adjust to the size of him, but I don’t want him to be slow. All I want is more.

Egging him on with a rise of my hips, he finally picks up the pace, moving in and out of me with such precision that what started as pain turns into full-blown ecstasy. I claw at his back, demanding more that he is all too willing to give.

And while his movements seem to me like a man who knows exactly what he’s doing, they don’t hide the tremble of his body against mine or the way he clings to me like I’m the only thing keeping him on the ground. And as we both draw closer to that moment of pure pleasure, he starts to lose control.

His thrusts become more erratic, his groans more feral, and I love every single second of his chaos. I drink it in. Breathe it into my lungs. Bathe myself in the feeling of sharing something with Nash that no one will ever be able to take away.

Until the end of time, I will be his first and he will be mine.

And with that thought at the forefront of my mind, I let my body go, falling into the abyss with the hope that I can stay there forever.

I’M OUTSIDE FELIX’S house. I couldn’t even tell you how long I’ve been sitting here, only that it’s been a pretty long time. He isn’t home. If he were, he probably would’ve told me to leave by now.

I know he doesn’t want me here, and really, who could blame him? He has loved me in a way I’m not sure I will ever deserve, and here I am, risking it all, and for what? For a man who promised me forever and then abandoned me as if I meant nothing?

My head knows who it should want. Why can’t it just be that simple? Why can’t I choose the one who I know is right for me and that be that? Why do I have to feel so twisted up inside, like no matter what I choose, I’m going to live with regret for the rest of my life?

If I choose Felix, I’ll always wonder what if. What if I had given Nash a second chance? What if we were able to reclaim what we once had, but I was too afraid to try? What if I’ll never truly love him the way I’ve loved Nash since I was nothing more than a child?

The last question is the hardest for me to swallow because I’ve always known, deep down, that I would never, could never, love anyone the way I loved Nash. The way I still love him, despite everything he’s done.

But if I choose Nash, will I ever be able to forgive myself for letting a man like Felix go? Will I ever be able to let myself open up to him the way I once did, or will fear keep me from doing so? Will I always be looking over my shoulder, waiting for the day it all comes crashing down again?

With Felix, I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel at peace.

With Nash, I feel the exact opposite. I feel scared and excited. I feel raw and exposed. I feel like I’m dangling on the edge of a cliff, not sure if today will be the day that I’ll lose my footing and free fall into the abyss.

So what’s the right choice? The one who gives you love and security or the one who sets your whole life aflame?

Headlights pulling up the drive tear me from my thoughts. In an instant, my heart has lifted into my throat, choking me with nerves.

I can’t say I’ve ever felt that way with Felix. Then again, I’ve never hurt him either.

I realize pretty quickly that the car that passes me, pulling to a stop directly in front of the house, is not Felix’s. My nerves continue to flex and stretch, twisting my insides in the most uncomfortable way.

It takes longer than it should to recognize the driver as she climbs from the driver’s seat, but once I do, I feel like someone has just stuck a knife into my ribs and twisted it.

“Celine?” I say as I quickly climb from the car, just as she rounds to the passenger side of hers.

She startles, having clearly not realized that my car was parked on the far side of the driveway.

“Paisley, Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack?” She flattens her palm to her chest.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, accusation thick in my voice.

Anyone would find it curious, no? Felix and I have a fight in which he hasn’t spoken to me in two days, and then in pulls my sister at this ungodly hour?

“Why don’t you ask him?” She tugs open the door and Felix practically falls out of the car, the seat belt the only thing keeping him inside.

“Felix.” I’m quick to reach him, kneeling down to get a good look at him. He’s passed out cold and reeks of alcohol.

“He called me thinking I would be with you,” Celine tells me. “He was slurring so bad I could barely understand him, but I was able to get him to tell me where he was. Obviously, I wasn’t going to just leave him like that, so I told him to stay put and I drove over to pick him up. Took everything I had to get him into the car. He passed out before I even pulled out of the parking lot.”

“Thank you,” I tell her, a bit surprised by her generosity. Then again, I have no doubt that had this been anyone other than Felix, she probably wouldn’t have bothered. “For bringing him home and for caring about him.” I look up at her over my shoulder.

“He’s going to be family soon. Of course I care about him.” She tries to brush off my comment, but I can see right through her.

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