Page 64 of Fragments of You

Confusion for how I feel about Nash and about Felix.

Pure and utter devastation for the impossible decision I now face.

“I just want you to know, whatever you decide, it won’t change the way I feel about you. Even if you marry Felix. Even if you go on to live a happy and full life without me. I will love you until my last breath.” He repeats the closing line of the very last letter I wrote.

I remember it like it was written yesterday.

“This is... It’s too much,” I tell him, starting to lose some of my composure. “I hate you for what you did. I hate you for leaving. I hate you for coming back. But more than anything, I hate that despite everything, I can’t shake you. I’ve tried. For years, I’ve tried. Hell, I’m still trying.”

“Then stop trying. Be with me. Choose me. Love me.”

“I do love you. Can’t you see that? That’s why we’re in this mess to begin with. Because no matter what you freaking do to me, I can’t stop loving you. But I want to, Nash. I want so desperately to hate you that I was almost able to convince myself that I did. But then you came back, and nothing has been right since.”

“Do you want me to leave?” he cuts in.

“What?” I’m caught off guard by the abrupt shift.

“Do you want me to leave?” He steps closer, so close I can feel the warmth of him everywhere. “Because I will. For you, P, I would live the rest of my days in misery so that you could be happy. I would do anything for you. Anything.” His fingers find mine, squeezing. “Tell me to leave, and I’m gone, and you can go back to your life before I came back.”

“No, I can’t. Don’t you see? There is no going back.”

“Tell me what I can do. What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“Because I don’t!” I rip my hand from his. “I love Felix. I love you. I don’t want to hurt either of you.”

“You’re already hurting us!” He throws his arms up in the air. “Can’t you see that? You’re hurting him with your indecision. You’re hurting me just being here!”

His words hurt a hell of a lot more than I ever expected them to.

“Well, then, in that case, I guess I should leave.” I go to move toward the door, but he immediately cuts me off. “Just let me go, Nash. If me being here is too much for you, let me leave, and I promise I won’t come back.”

“That isn’t what I want. I’m not saying I don’t want you here. I’m saying that it kills me that you’re here, and I can’t touch you. That I can’t hold you or kiss you. That I can’t tell you how much I love you and that all I want is to spend the rest of my life making you so fucking happy that the pain I caused is nothing more than a distant memory. But I can’t. I can’t do any of that while you’re wearing that.” He points to my left hand, to the diamond sitting on my ring finger. “So yeah, it hurts me that you’re here. But it hurts me even more when you’re not.”

“Why did you come back?”

“What do you mean, why did I come back? I came back for you!”

“But why now?”

“I already told you. I wanted to make sure I could stay clean without you. I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet before coming back. I had to make sure I was a man who deserved a second chance before I ever asked for one.”

“And you feel confident that you’re that man now?”

“No.” He shakes his head softly. “I mean, yes, I’m confident that I can stay clean. But I’m not sure I’ll ever deserve a second chance, whether you give me one or not. I didn’t deserve you back then, P, and I sure as fuck don’t deserve you now. But I’m still the same selfish bastard I’ve always been, and I’m going to ask for it anyway.”

“You’ve been to see my parents.” It’s not a question.

“I have.”

“Why?”

“Because they were the closest thing I ever had to real parents. They looked after me. They welcomed me into their home. And I repaid them by breaking their daughter’s heart and disappearing for four years.”

“They’ve always looked at you like a son. You could burn the world to the ground and they’d still find a way to forgive you.”

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