Page 63 of Fragments of You

“I don’t need you to say it.” He shakes his head. “Your letters were detailed enough.”

“You read them?” I don’t know why, but I’m kind of surprised by this. Not that he read them, I knew he’d at least read a few, but that he made it far enough to know when I started developing feelings for Felix.

“Every single one.” He holds my gaze.

“That’s why you went to see Felix. To tell him you were going to back off.”

“Felix did me one favor in all of this... He made it so you were still here when I came back.” The sadness that overtakes his expression damn near guts me right on the spot. “I’ll never be able to repay him for that. I felt like I owed him enough that I was willing to take a step back and let you figure things out on your own.”

“So you were just going to give up?” I ask, almost irritated, but that’s not really the right word. Disappointed maybe, though I don’t show it.

“On you? Never.” He shakes his head adamantly. “But I see now what I did, how deeply I hurt you, and I don’t want to keep hurting you. As much as I want to go back to the way things were, I now know that’s not possible. But not being able to go back doesn’t mean we can’t move forward. I still believe in us, P. I still believe there’s a chance for us. There has to be.”

“And what if you’re wrong?”

“Then I’ll let you go.”

The thought makes me want to crumble into a ball at his feet, but I hold my head high, not letting a single thing show through my carefully placed armor.

“I know it must be hard for you, coming back after all this time and finding the two people who were closest to you had moved on without you. I never meant for any of this to happen; I hope you know that.”

“Everything that has happened since I left is on me, P. I did this to us, I know that.”

“I love Felix,” I say, needing him to really hear me.

“I know you do.”

“But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also love you.” The intensity of his stare increases tenfold, so much so that his gaze paralyzes me. “I think I always will, no matter how much time has passed. You were my childhood. My first love. My first everything... I will carry you with me always, whether we’re together or not, because you are a part of me.”

“P...”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen. Because for as much as I love Felix, and as deeply as I want to marry him, one thing continues to remain true.”

“And what’s that?” I can tell by the look on his face that it’s taking everything in him to stay where he is and not cross the room toward me.

“He’s not you.” The words find their way past my lips, no matter how desperately I try to hold them in.

The invisible tether holding him in place snaps in an instant, and before I can even pull in a breath, he’s in front of me, his hands on my face, his eyes boring into mine.

“Say the words and I’m yours, P. Hell, I’m already yours. I’ve always been yours. I’ll always be yours.” There’s a desperation to his voice I can’t say I’ve ever heard before. A vulnerability he’s always kept just out of my reach.

“He’s not you,” I repeat a second time, using every ounce of willpower I have to pull his hands from my face, which he very reluctantly lets me do. “I’ve yet to decide if that’s a bad thing, Nash.” My words cause him to take a step back. “I may not love him the way I loved you, but loving you nearly killed me. I don’t think I could ever allow myself to love that completely ever again, no matter how much I want to. So is it that I don’t love him enough or that I loved you too much? I can’t decide.”

“You’re a part of me too, you know.” He touches on something I said earlier. “Down to my very fucking core, there isn’t an ounce of my body or soul that doesn’t bear the mark of you. Without you, I don’t know who the fuck I am. An empty shell. A hollow man haunted by the mistakes of a past he can’t change, no matter how much he wishes he fucking could. You are my light, P, and I’m terrified that without you, I’ll live the rest of my life shrouded in darkness. There is only one thing I fear more than relapsing...”

“What’s that?” I finally ask when he still hasn’t finished his thought after several seconds, which honestly feels more like minutes. Hell, hours even.

“Never getting to feel whole again.”

“Nash...” So many emotions flood through me.

Anger for what he kept from me.

Betrayal for what he did to me.

Sadness for what he went through.

Guilt for falling in love with Felix.

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