Page 58 of Fragments of You

“He didn’t?” Her lips part in a silent gasp.

“I didn’t even mean to say it. He was pressuring me to tell Nash to leave and I don’t know what came over me. I just couldn’t stomach the thought of him leaving again, not when I just got him back. But then it’s like, what is that all about, right? He completely screwed me over, and now here I am, setting fire to my entire life, and for what?” I throw my arms out, continuing to ramble. “Like up until yesterday, all I wanted was for Nash to leave so Felix and I could go back to the way things were, so why, when he asked me to tell Nash that I wanted him to leave, did I feel like I was dying on the inside?”

“Because, sweetie.” She gives me an understanding look that makes me feel even more on edge than I already do. “You still love him.”

“But why?” I croak, swiping angrily at a tear that manages to escape.

“Because what you and Nash had was different. Something that most people never experience in their lives. I knew that just by watching the two of you over the years. When you love someone like that, with your whole self, I can’t imagine you ever truly stop.”

“Loving him has only ever brought me pain. I’m supposed to be getting married in a few weeks! What am I doing?”

“You’re wrong. Loving him has brought you so much more than pain. Yes, he hurt you, but there’s much more to your story than just hurt. Think about all the memories you’ve shared over the years. You’re trying to overshadow all the good with the bad because you’re afraid if you let him back in, all there will ever be is bad.”

“I wouldn’t survive what he did to me a second time.”

“What if there isn’t a second time?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you could guarantee that Nash would never leave again and that you would spend the rest of your lives together, would you choose him?”

“That’s irrelevant. I can’t see the future.”

“That’s not the point. Would you choose him?” she repeats.

“I can’t answer that.”

“Yes, you can. Would you choose him?” she repeats more forcefully.

“Yes!” The word explodes from my mouth with so much intensity that I feel physically impacted by it.

My eyes widen as I realize what I’ve just admitted. If I could ensure that what happened with Nash would never happen again, I wouldn’t choose Felix... I’d choose Nash.

It’s a hard pill to force down my throat, admitting something that deep down I think I’ve always known.

“Then you have your answer.”

“It’s not that simple. The parameters you set are not realistic,” I argue.

“Does it really matter? The heart wants what it wants, Paisley. The more you fight it, the worse it’s going to get.”

“I love Felix.” Another tear slides down my cheek, and again, I swipe it away.

“I know you do.”

“I won’t hurt him.”

“You’re already hurting him,” she speaks the hard truth.

“So what do I do?”

“My advice, figure this shit out with Nash. Whether you decide he’s worth the risk or not, you owe Felix, and yourself, that much. If you don’t, you’re going to wake up in ten years and realize you wish you had done things differently, but by then, it’ll be too late.”

“When did you get so smart?” I snort, grappling for any emotion that isn’t the indecision and uncertainty I have felt every waking moment for the last several days. Even when I tried to pretend like everything was fine, I knew it wasn’t.

Really, none of this is news. I’ve known it all along. But knowing something and allowing yourself to admit it are two very different things.

“Girl, please, I’ve always been a genius.” She bats her lashes dramatically. “Now, what are you going to do?”

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