Page 56 of Fragments of You

I was so sure that Nash was just trying to plant doubt when he said Felix was hiding something. Now, I’m not sure of anything.

“He didn’t tell me anything,” I finally say after a long moment. “Is there something he knows that I don’t?”

“No.” He answers too quickly. “Why are you turning this on me?” His defensiveness sets me on edge. “Maybe I just don’t want to have to worry about being attacked every time he sees us together. He’s a fucking loose cannon, always has been.”

I can’t argue with him there, but I also can’t shake this nagging feeling in my gut that he’s hiding something. Or maybe, deep down, I want him to be hiding something.

I try to push the thought away, but once it takes root, there’s no shaking it.

“Besides, I tell you everything,” he continues. “Why are we even having this conversation? Do you see what I mean? Just him being here causes problems. He’s causing problems right now.”

“Because we keep letting him.” I blow out a hard breath, guilt taking the place of suspicion.

All he wants is to reclaim the life we had before Nash came back. Is that really so bad? I want that too. At least, I think I do.

No, I do. And I do. I mean, at least a part of me does...

It’s Nash. He’s pulled me back into a past we could never reclaim. Too much has happened. There’s no going back to the way we used to be. So why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep finding excuses to see him or talk to him, insisting to myself that Felix is the one I want when deep down, I’m not sure that’s true anymore.

Did I give him those letters to show him how Felix saved me, or to show him that no matter what he does, I’ll never be able to let him go?

Have I just been in denial this whole time?

It kills me to admit any of this to myself. Felix deserves someone who can give him their whole heart, but my heart hasn’t been whole since the day Nash left. But I also can’t imagine giving Felix up. Just the thought feels like someone is twisting a knife into my stomach.

So what do I do?

I’m torn between the man who shattered me to pieces and the one who put me back together—the choice should be clear. But suddenly, nothing is clear.

“Then tell him to leave.” Felix blows out a hard breath.

“I’m not sure I can.” Tears prick the backs of my eyes as I stare up at a man who means so much to me the thought of losing him makes it almost impossible to breathe.

“What are you saying?” He steps back, like my words have a physical impact.

“I just think... I need more time.”

“Time?” He openly gapes at me. “Time for what?”

“To figure all this out.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Two seconds ago you were saying we’d be fine if I just trust you! Now you’re telling me you need time?”

“I just... I know this doesn’t make any sense...” I’m desperate to explain, but how do you explain that you feel like you’re being pulled apart in two entirely different directions.

My brain knows the right choice. My heart, on the other hand, that bitch has always had a mind of her own. No matter what I think I know, she’s always there to remind me that, in the end, she’s the one in control.

“Leave!” His voice is so forceful, I swear it vibrates the wood beneath my feet.

“Felix... I—”

“I can’t even stand to look at you right now. Leave!” He points toward my car aggressively.

“If you could just let me—” Again, he doesn’t let me finish.

“Paisley, I swear to Christ, if you don’t leave right now—”

“You won’t even hear me out?” My chin quivers.

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