Page 50 of Fragments of You

I obviously am still here. I wouldn’t be writing this letter if I had offed myself already. But there are still a few hours left in the day. Who knows, maybe today will be the day I really do end it all. Guess we’ll find out tomorrow.

If there is no tomorrow, though, I want you to know how much I love you. I guess there’s really nothing else left to say.

Paisley

“Jesus,” I mutter aloud, flipping the letter face down on top of the stack of read letters.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard Paisley so low. I knew my leaving would hurt her, of course I did, but I never imagined she would go to such a dark place.

As much as I want to stop, I know I can’t.

Dear Nash,

I tried to do it. I got in my car and drove around for hours, looking for the perfect spot. I was ready. Or at least I thought I was. Only somehow, instead of splattered on the road somewhere, I found myself outside of Felix’s house. He took one look at me and knew exactly what I had been up to.

I didn’t have it in me to feel ashamed. Better people than me have given in to their pain. I would be just another name lost to the abyss and weirdly, I had made my peace with that. Felix didn’t judge me, though. He didn’t yell at me or tell me I was stupid. He just held me while I cried and picked me back up again. He’s been doing that a lot recently.

It’s funny. It took you leaving for me to realize he’s not actually that horrible of a person. I mean, he’s putting up with me, so he can’t be all bad, right?

I don’t know why I keep turning to him. I guess it’s because he’s my only real connection to you. He’s the only person who understands my loss to even a small degree because he lost you too. It isn’t the same, obviously, but in some small way, it makes me feel better.

He said we should do something later today. He thinks a distraction will do me some good. I can’t think of a single thing that would be even remotely bearable, but at this point, I’m willing to try anything.

I know I said I wanted to die, but I’m not sure I have it in me to do it. As I said yesterday, there’s always tomorrow. You never know, I guess. But as for this moment, I’m going to try. For my parents, but mostly, for you. Because Felix made me see that if anything happens to me, you’d never forgive yourself and that he’d be burying two bodies instead of one. For some reason, that really resonated with me. The thought of you dying might be the only thing that keeps me alive.

Whether this is my last letter or not, I want you to know that when my time does come, I loved you until my heart stopped beating... And maybe even after that.

Paisley

I set the letter on top of the others, pretty certain I’m about to be sick. All those years I had convinced myself that I was sparing her, but in reality, I was only sparing myself. Sure, my battle left scars I will never be able to heal from, but I only have myself to blame for those.

But P... She was an innocent victim in all this. A casualty of a war she never even knew had been waged. But unlike me, she soldiered through. She found a way to fight and to survive. Meanwhile, I spent three years numbing myself in every way I possibly could.

It’s a sobering thought finally admitting the truth to yourself. A truth I knew all those years ago—I don’t deserve her. I never have. And maybe Felix isn’t perfect, but at least he was fucking there for her. He put out the fire I started and spent years nursing the burns, all the while, I was off doing unspeakable things so I could have enough money to get my next fix. So really, who’s the better man here? Because it sure as shit isn’t me.

She said she didn’t know if she would be standing here today without him. I now see just how literal that statement was.

I know what I should do. I should finish fixing this house so I can sell it and get the hell out of this town once and for all. And a part of me really believes this is the best option for everyone, but deep down I know I could never do it.

I left once because I thought I was doing right by her. I won’t make that mistake a second time. If she tells me she wants me to leave, I’ll leave. Until then, all I can do is try to make up for all the pain I’ve caused her, for the pain I’m still causing her.

I came barreling back into her life with no warning, never stopping to consider what my return was doing to her, to the life she had built for herself in my absence.

I’m not saying I’m ready to roll over and accept defeat. That’s not my style. But I do think it’s time that Felix and I actually sit down and hash this shit out once and for all.

“YOU MUST HAVE A FUCKING death wish,” Felix grumbles as he climbs out of his truck, having just pulled into his driveway to find me sitting on his front step.

“Relax.” I stand, holding my hands up in front of myself. “I’m just here to talk.”

“What could you possibly want to talk about?” He slams the driver’s side door before moving toward me, his gym bag slung over his shoulder.

“I think that should be pretty obvious.”

“Well, then you wasted a trip.” He shoves past me, damn near knocking me off the step I’m standing on.

“Come on, Felix. A month ago you were chatting me up on the phone like no time had passed,” I remind him.

“That’s before—”

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