Page 35 of Embracing Us

Chapter fifteen

Max

“So, Max, how are you feeling?”

I stare at the screen of Jace’s ancient laptop he hasn’t used in years. My counsellor, Debra, looks back at me with a blank expression. Her mouse-brown hair is cropped close to her head, and steel-grey eyes focus on me through dark-rimmed spectacles. She is creating a safe space for me to speak, that’s what she says anyway. Personally, I don’t want to consider how I am feeling about the accident and what happened. I try not to think about it, but at night, the terrors come thick and fast. Each day that passes, I hope it will get easier, but it doesn’t.

“Tired,” I respond. Her eyebrows draw together, but she stays silent. Needing to fill the void, I continue. “My sleep is still disturbed by the nightmares. I’m rerunning the accident in my dreams.”

“Every night?”

“Most. It’s worse when I’m not with Linda.”

“That’s understandable. Companionship is an important commodity in your recovery. Linda will be your rock in these situations; ensure you lean on her and accept her support when it’s offered.”

“Linda has enough to be dealing with,” I say, my tone confrontational.

“And so do you. What happened wasn’t your fault, but it is natural for us to take responsibility for events out of our control. Human nature is to assign blame. It is in your power to let go, but you have to allow yourself to.”

“I took a life,” I tell her, bluntly.

“No, you found yourself a victim of an unfortunate accident where someone died. There is a difference. You need to accept it.”

“I’m not sure if I can.”

“There is no time limit on forgiveness. But the sooner you learn to forgive yourself, the easier it will be to move forward. You have an exciting adventure ahead of you, marriage and a new life in Spain. Give yourself the best chance to enjoy it.”

“What you’re saying makes sense,” I concede.

“I know it does.” She chuckles, her eyes sparkling with mischief at being proved right. “Our time is nearly up. Think about what we have discussed, and we can reconvene next week. You will be back in Spain?”

“Yes, I go home tomorrow.”

“Home?” Her voice lifts at the end of the word creating a question.

“My home is anywhere Linda and Jackson are. The location is irrelevant.” She smiles kindly. “Thank you, Debra. I’m sorry for not progressing well.”

“Max, this is my job. Everyone’s recovery from trauma is unique. There is no schedule or targets to hit. We will take this step by step. Have a good week, and I will speak to you on Wednesday at two o’clock, UK time.”

“Bye,” I say, then quickly close the chat window. My conversations with Debra are unsettling. Facing what happened causes me to feel emotions I don’t want to. In some ways, it is easier to accept the culpability rather than pass it to someone who is no longer here to defend themselves. The disaster happened, and I need to learn to live with it, without causing additional pain for my family. Now, I have what I always wanted; it is up to me to be in the position to enjoy my life moving forward.

*

“This time next week, you’ll be a married man,” Jace says, grabbing my hand and shaking it vigorously. His face breaks into a beaming smile as his eyes dance. We are surrounded by other travellers saying goodbye to family and friends as they prepare to catch a flight. “I’d tell you to enjoy your wedding night, but I’m sure you and Linda will have plenty of reunion sex before then.”

“You’re a dirty bastard,” I respond, and he chuckles. “A gentleman never divulges his private affairs.”

“I notice my suggestion isn’t being denied.”

“Would you blame me? You’ve seen my fiancée. She’s fucking hot. If she wants some attention, I’ll be giving it to her.” My thoughts move to Linda and all the things I want to do to her when we see each other again. I’ve missed her more than I ever thought I could. Our few days apart have cemented further how much I love both her and our son.

Jace grabs me into a bear hug. “I’m so damn pleased for you, mate.” He holds on tight, and emotion swirls around us. “You deserve every day of happiness. Once you’re all settled at the hotel and ready for visitors, I will be over to see my nephew.”

“Thanks,” I say, quietly overcome with the honesty between us. He stands back, but his hands remain on my shoulders. His wise eyes run over my face. The genuine happiness for me emanates from him.

“I’ll see you soon,” he tells me. “Now, go home to your family. Send me lots of pictures from your special day.” Without another word, I turn and walk off through the departure gates.

As I sit at the airport bar, I pull my phone from my pocket and video call Linda. Within moments, she appears on my screen. I rotate the handset horizontally giving myself the best view of her. She smiles warmly with those soft hazel eyes I adore. “Are you at the airport?” she says, clearly excited.

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