Page 15 of Embracing Us

“Last year, when I came here, all I wanted was the freedom to be on my own. Be myself. To live life as I wanted and not be beholden to anyone. It was to be a time of selfishness.” The conversation surrounding us increases in volume as Susan starts to hand out the glasses of champagne from the bar. “Then I met Max and suddenly I wasn’t the most important thing that summer. We were. Both of us. It frightened me.”

“For the almost seventy years I’ve walked on this earth, I’ve seen so many people pass through life unhappy. Always wanting more or thinking what they have isn’t right for them. I was one of them,” she says, a sad smile gracing her lips. “I did all the things I was meant to do as a young woman: attend school, learn the art of homemaking, get married, have a child. Was I happy? In all honesty, I don’t know. I was so busy checking off the required list, I never stopped to question if the life I was living was the one I wanted.”

A lump forms in my throat as I listen. So much of what she is saying was me and how I walked into my adult life with a chosen path. A process to go through to become the woman I should be.

“My husband was a good man, and wretchedly lost his life in his mid-fifties. We loved each other, but I’m not convinced we were ever actually in love. I never had that all-consuming passion you read about in romance novels; he didn’t display it either. His eyes never undressed me in front of a room full of friends. He never wanted me. I never felt truly desired.”

“I understand,” I tell her. “My ex-husband and I have a similar story. Teenage sweethearts that never saw the time had come to go our separate ways and live. Over time, we grew apart.” She bobs her head along with my words. “Do you have any family?” I ask.

“My son has grown up and moved onto pastures new. He works in a tall shiny tower somewhere in the middle east. I rarely hear from him except for birthdays and at Christmas when he sends a required card.” My heart strains for the lovely woman in front of me. She had the family, now she only has herself. Everyone is gone. “That’s why I decided to come here ten years ago when I found myself at a loss. No one would miss me if I disappeared for a while. I had nothing tying me to the city except my self-imposed obligation to stay. I’m glad I gave myself permission to move on.”

“Not every failure is a loss,” I tell her. “Sometimes what we experience in life has a time limit, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. We meet who we’re meant to meet when the time is right. As long as we keep our eyes, ears and mind open.” I drop my gaze from hers, focusing on the floor between my feet. “I’ve made a decision,” I mumble.

“What decision would that be?” she asks, a nervousness in her voice.

“To forgive myself. It sounds melodramatic, but I realise now that my problems all stem from me. My lack of confidence. My lack of willingness to step out of my comfort zone. After everything, the past year has taught me that I need to follow my heart instead of my head.” When I look up, she’s smiling at me idiotically. “You think I’m insane?”

“No, I think you’ve finally found what you’re looking for. Your long-term problem has been solved,” she answers simply, then waddles away.

Feeling overwhelmed by my admissions, I go off in search of Max and Jackson. I make my way upstairs towards the room I know so well from last year. Max’s bedroom is on the top floor with direct access to a private roof terrace. The door is lying slightly ajar when I arrive, but they are nowhere to be seen. I find them outside standing by the balustrade looking out to the ocean. Max is holding his son in his arms; his words carry towards me on the light breeze. Hidden in the doorway, he doesn’t see me. I slip off my shoes and step out into the evening sunshine unheard.

“This is where I knew your mummy was the one for me,” he tells Jackson, gazing down at the bundle in his arms. “Last year, standing out here, she told me we couldn’t be together, and my heart split in two.” Guilt bubbles in my throat as I listen on. “The thought of not being with her was soul-destroying. I loved her so much, it terrified me. That day, I thought my chance at love was over. Because she was my person and I’d lost her.” Max chuckles softly. “But then you had other ideas, didn’t you? You sneaking into her belly when we weren’t looking is the reason she came back to me. You completed us. I love you, little man. I owe you so much. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

On opening my mouth to speak, he starts talking again. The words make my stomach fall. “I love your mum more than anything,” he says. “I want us to make the most important pledge we can and get married, but she told me it’s not something she wants to do again. I won’t lie little man, it hurt.” Even with his back to me, I see him deflate. “Before Christmas, I had the ring and a plan to propose when we went on a trip. Our last adult jaunt before you arrived.” Jackson gurgles and his father rocks him gently.

“At least I didn’t ask her. I don’t want my stupidity or overzealousness to ruin what we have. We don’t need to be married, but being able to call her my wife would make me the proudest man on this planet. For us all to share the same name would be my every wish come true.” His gaze rises to the ocean view. “However, we don’t always get what we want in life. Sometimes we need to accept other people’s decisions even if it means giving up one of our greatest desires.”

With my shoes in my hand, I retreat into the bedroom, not wanting to be seen. During our brief conversation on marriage back in December, I hadn’t realised it had been so important to him. Telling him my perspective was natural because it hadn’t been something we discussed. Us being so new, I wasn’t looking to make a commitment beyond the surprising one we already had. Now, over six months on, I realise that once again he has put my feelings before his own. I leave the room, knowing this is a topic that isn’t done, and marriage is a prospect I need to consider more seriously.

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