Page 103 of An Endless Memory

She smiled, and this one lacked the woodenness from her earlier grins. “I really hope Kellan’s past the worst of that.”

Austen bobbed his head and shifted his attention back to me. “Glad you decided to make it down for this.”

Grateful he didn’t know how close I’d come to skipping out, I dipped my head. “Have to keep my favorite uncle status.”

“I was worried you’d try to work for martyr boss status instead.”

“It’s not like you gave me a choice. ‘See you at Christmas,’ then you hung up.”

Lily tipped her head to the side like she didn’t hear what I said.

Austen’s grin was unrepentant. “I know when pulling rank isn’t enough.”

Those were the moments when his laid-back style was dangerous. “Well, it worked. I’m here, and I even opened presents with everyone this morning.”

“Oh yeah? What gifts did you come bearing?” When his gaze jumped to Lily, his expression flickered. Then he swiveled his attention back to me, and there was a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

I explained the gifts, but I was attuned to Lily. She was quiet and picking at a Christmas cookie that had been part of the catering package.

“Sounds like it was a fun morning.” His words were stilted. He grabbed his plate and pushed back his chair. “I’m going to check on Vienne. Merry Christmas to you and yours in case I fall asleep with them.”

“Merry Christmas,” I murmured at the same time Lily did.

A few moments after he left, she twisted in her chair. “You weren’t planning on coming for Christmas?”

Her words vibrated with a sense of betrayal that rocked me back. “I was scheduled to cover Christmas.”

“Because you would’ve gotten Thanksgiving off.” At my hesitation, she shook her head. “Chambers said you’ve had a nice rotation for years but that you went off and did something unusual for Thanksgiving. Was it to avoid us?”

The hurt in her eyes was like claws around my chest. “No. You had plans with your family.”

“That you were invited to.”

“And then what, Lily? I get all chummy with them and we stay close after the divorce?” I kept my voice hushed. The two of us were an oasis at our table, but from the way we were facing each other, both of us tense, we probably radiated stay back vibes.

“Did it ever occur to you that there didn’t have to be a divorce?”

“We’ve been over this.”

“No, you have.” She grabbed her plate and shoved her chair back in a way that we still faced each other. “You’ve been over and over the same scenario and nothing ever changes because you don’t want it to.”

“Lily.” I didn’t know what else to say. Couldn’t she understand I was trying to do what was right by her? By the kids? “I care about you.”

“But you could never love me?” She spoke quietly, but the words hit and ricocheted through my head loud and clear. “You know, when I first met you, I thought you were exactly what I wanted. You were everything my ex was supposed to be. And you’ve only proven that notion correct. But in the end, my ex didn’t want to be in love with me, and neither do you.”

Indignation blazed a path across the back of my neck. How dare she compare me to the guy who pawned off two kids and stepped all over her heart? “I’m nothing like him.”

She stared at me for a moment. “No,” she said flatly. “In a lot of ways, you’re not.” Then she stood and gathered her empty cup and her plate. “I need to talk to my parents. Make sure you tell the kids goodbye before you leave.”

And she was gone. Stunned, I stared at the tabletop. I never set out to hurt her feelings. If anything, I was guilty of not realizing that she might be hurt by the way I tried to protect her. I could live with that. She’d realize I was right, eventually. I was ready for it.

What I wasn’t ready for was the way my chest was going to crack open and dump my heart on the floor. I rubbed my sternum. Fuck me, this sucked. I could barely take a full breath. As long as I was the one in pain and not her. Never her.

Happy New Year.

I stared at my message to Lily. She hadn’t yet responded. It’d been a week since I left Crocus Valley, a week since Christmas. I’d talked to Lily once, and she’d been busy with a hamster on the loose in the bedroom and Bug vomiting. He’d apparently eaten Cali’s pretend lunch—plastic bowl and all.

I couldn’t bug Sutton about her because my sister-in-law wouldn’t return to her regular work for another few weeks. Jasper hadn’t been to Crocus Valley since that first family picnic, and if I asked if everything was okay with Lily, he’d ask me why it wouldn’t be. He’d wonder what I’d done, and my explanation would sound weak. I can’t fall in love with her, and she’s finally realized it and she’s upset. But you see, Knight men let down women, and I had to pick which way to let her down the best.

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