Page 76 of Null & Void

“Time passed, and I was stupid enough to think that they’d just taken my gold and moved on.”

But of course, they tried again. Now they knew I was the Silent Assassin. Worth far more gold than you’d given them.

I didn’t say it. I wanted to. I wanted the venom to coat my tongue and let it lash out on a whip. But I bite my tongue until I taste blood instead.

She laughs, an ugly sharp sound with no humor. “But everything I did, it wasn’t until you’d been taken, that I realized.” She angrily wipes the tears away from her face as if they were the ones doing the betraying. “I wanted my brother’s murderer to pay, and I let hate fuel my decisions.I just realized too late that I didn’t hate you, Mika.”

I think she pauses after that to finally let me speak if I want to. But I don’t want to. Or I can’t. Or I don’t trust the words on my tongue yet.

“I knew what it meant that they had taken you, not run you off. I didn’t think about the risk of that before, but it was all I could think about after. Especially when Bitty…” Tovi pauses to swallow and take a breath. “When Bitty said we had to charge because of what was about to happen in the cave,” she says with a raw voice.

Her eyes are on me, so I tilt my head forward enough to see her properly. She looks wild, with tears clearing paths down her dirty face, revealing red and angry skin. Her eyes beg me to understand, and maybe I do.

“I knew when you woke, that I would have to leave. I was a coward, one that couldn’t face any of you, not after you fucking saved my life,” she croaks with desperation.

“So, I prayed to the Divine that you would wake, that you would be okay. Not for me, not to assuage my guilt, but because I just wanted you to live. And then you woke up.”

“How did you even know who I was?”

Tovi takes her time answering me, clearly struggling with her words. “I came to find you after…after I found out about Koly. I never saw you up close, only found out your name and that you were Mievaborn. Then, I’d seen you from a distance.

“I was originally only supposed to be an escort for whoever we hired or purchased, swapping with Bitty and another Gifted Patron in Nemoris. But then Beans had said your name while sending the request for Queen Neo’s seal of approval. I wasn’t sure if it was you when I asked to join the rescue, and no one batted an eye because they knew Lyss and I were friends. But I recognized you straight away. Though I didn’t expect you to be so…small.”

“Why did you risk the entire mission for this? Why not just tell Beans and Riley straight up?” I ask, my voice raw from unshed tears.

“I wasn’t thinking logically, or even about Lyss anymore. You’d been this big bad monster of my nightmares for so many revs. But then I met you, and you were this…tiny creature that made everyone laugh, and you had this lost look about you. I recognized it. But the need to make you pay and get you away from the people I love was too strong. It was obviously a shitty plan.”

“Fuck, Tovi,” I scream. “You think?” I don’t even care if the guard comes down to see what is going on.I haven’t been down here very long, and the desperation and hopelessness of being in a dungeon has already crawled under my skin. What hope did Tovi have when she’s been in here for weeks?

“I thought you murdered my brother!”

“But I didn’t. I know I’m a monster, but I wouldn’t have killed a child, much less used one as a shield,” I say quietly, no longer yelling. My rage quietly reminds me that I've killed a mother and her unborn child, though. I am a monster.

Tovi goes back to the hysterical sobbing. I’m furious at her, but I cannot find it in myself to hate her. Despite everything she has done, I care about her. I’m definitely going to punch her in the tit when we get out, but that’s it. Beans’ words about knowing what’s in her heart play in my head.

“Tovi, stop. Please.” I’m standing up against the bars, as close as I can get to her with the empty cell between us.

“I’m the biggest monster in this room Mika, not you. I deserve to rot away in here.”

“Stop.”

At least she’s no longer hysterical, but she’s hitting the back of her head against the stone periodically.

“You need to stop crying and save what little hydration you have left.”

Tovi snorts, mumbling. “What’s the point…”

“Because we’re going to need every bit of strength to escape.”

We sit in silence for a long time. I replay every word she’s ever said to me, every interaction. I can see it now. The way she kept her distance, the wariness whenever anyone else was alone with me. She was worried about her friends. Worried about the reputation I had crafted and let run wild. It doesn’t matter that what traumatized her is a lie.

“I used to pick up your things constantly, you know,” Tovi says into the murky light that is neither darkness nor daylight.

“What? What do you mean?”

She barks a laugh that causes her to cough. “Whenever you put something down, I’d pick it up. See if you were feeling assassin-y or devious or something.”

“And?”

---