Page 59 of Null & Void

Beans helps me stretch, doing low and slow exercises that will help me rebuild my strength and flexibility without causing too much pain as I heal. I’m getting stronger every day.

I watch the three of them spar. Beans still goes way too easy on them, but Bitty is getting good. Beans has had to start actually defending himself against the enthusiastic Laguzborn. Riley has been training with Bitty the way I used to. It’s been nice to watch, though more often than not when they’re sparring, he ends up making them laugh until they make a mistake, and he wins.

The skin traders we fought when we first got to Erdu and my kidnapping might have put the reality of Bitty not being able to defend themselves into perspective. Though Bitty did hold their own during my rescue, fighting hand-to-hand after using all their throwing knives. It was Bitty who finished off the man Sweet Girl kicked off me. Sweet Girl. Tears sting behind my eyes, and my throat swells. When does it stop? When will I think about her stupid fluffy ears with joy and not a wrenching pain in my gut?

I can’t wait till I am well enough to get back into training and sparring with everyone, but until I can take a hit to the ribs, I’m staying well away from all three of them.

At night, Riley sleeps directly beside me. He doesn’t try to touch me. In fact, he barely says a word to me at all. I wanted to push him away, and now that it’s worked, it makes my rage scream and thrash through my entire being. I can’t even talk to him about it because I don’t even know what I want from him.

They won’t let me stand watch yet, not until I can fight. We’re down Tovi too so they are all on long watch shifts. The darkness under their eyes and constant yawning during the day is growing worse.

It’s been eight days since we left Forsto. Bitty announces they can hear what might be a small town nearby, but we can’t be sure because we aren’t using roads. The thought of being able to sleep in a bed and have someone cook a meal for me sounds like pure bliss.

Bitty wasn’t totally off the mark. It’s definitely a small town. One inn, and fortunately, two rooms are free. There is a stable for our horses as well, though it’s untended. The main issue is they barely have any provisions for us to stock up on. They only have traveling merchants come through once a moon because of how remote they are.

We get what we can, including some more staples like cured and dried meats, some grains and legumes, and emergency feed bags for the horses. We have been fortunate enough that the horses have been able to graze so far, but we can’t rely on that.

Beans gets our room keys, and we head there straight away. The elderly Erduborn woman said she will get her boys to bring us a couple of jugs of warm water for bathing in an hour. Dinner is served in two hours: soup. What kind of soup? “A bit of everything.” I shudder as I think of the woman’s toothless smile as she said it.

It’s no surprise that Riley and I are roommates. What surprises me is there is only one bed in the room. We were not informed of this. Riley and I stand in the middle of the small room with sad peeling wallpaper, staring at the singular bed.

“I can sleep on the floor,” Riley announces, grabbing a pillow and one of the blankets off the bed. He throws them in the corner of the room and starts digging through his pack. He didn’t even wait for me to say anything. Does the idea disgust him that much?

“Divine help me,” I mumble under my breath. Riley raises his eyebrow, though he doesn’t look at me. “Riley, we’re both adults. I think we can safely share a bed,” I say in exasperation.

“Wouldn’t want you to think it’s a bubble of my protection, Firecat,” Riley states, continuing to dig around in his pack with his back to me.

“You are infuriating, you know that?”

“You’re easily infuriated,” he rebuts, to which I can only growl in response, proving his point yet again. “Look, if you desperately want to share a bed with me, then I’ll be happy to join you tonight,” Riley manages to say, with only a hint of sarcasm. Still, not looking at me.

Letting an angry breath out through my nose, I temper my voice. “You can continue to do whatever the fuck you want, Prince Ofnemoris.”

Not waiting for any response or reaction, I leave the room. I need fresh air and to be anywhere that Riley is not.

I’m in the stables patting Snooze within minutes because nothing else is around. I hear the squeal of children playing somewhere close by, and I stick my head out of a window in time to see two Erduborn children dashing about, giggling freely.

I miss my kids in Osraed. I miss getting to be silly and happy and not have the weight of the Divine on my shoulders. Both kids have wavy brown hair to their shoulders, with eyes almost the exact same color as their hair. It’s been a while since I’ve really looked at any kids with an eye color other than violet.

Snooze is dozing, with his head resting on my shoulder. Another wave of pain rolls through me at the thought of Sweet Girl. I snuggle into Snooze a bit harder, hug him a bit tighter, and let the smell of him calm me until I’m ready to face Riley. Returning to the room, I hope the attendant has brought water for us to bathe.

I swing the door wide open and catch Riley in front of the wash basin. Completely naked. With the door wide open, unmoving, I stare at him.

He slowly reaches to cover himself with a towel. “When you’ve finished ogling, would you mind closing the door, Firecat?” Riley laughs. “I mean, you can continue if you want, but the whole Divine world doesn’t need to see.”

I attempt to say something like “I wasn’t looking” or “I don’t want to look,” but what I actually say is: “I was want look…ing.” And then frown at the nonsense. I turn and close the door and rest my forehead on it. Divine help me, this man will be the death of me.

I face the door until Riley announces he’s decent. His smirk is back, and my heart rapidly plunges into my stomach. It only reminds me of Riley waking me the night I was kidnapped.

How did those men kidnap me when he was on watch?

I don’t think he had anything to do with it. Though, I thought the same about Tovi and look where that got me. But still, it’s not that. I’m not safe with him, my rage has always warned me of that.

Sitting on the end of the bed, Riley inspects my leg with gentle fingers. Each touch sends my rage into a frenzy, heating me from the inside out. He declares I no longer need the bandages anymore, and a small amount of disappointment curls through my veins as I realize it means he’ll no longer touch me like this. This is quickly followed by disgust at myself that sounds a lot like Jaena’s voice telling me I should not need or want anyone.

Riley gives me privacy so I can wash my hair, and I'm a new person. Well, I’m still full of rage and slightly unhinged, but at least I’m clean.

After dinner, Beans calls for an early night as everyone is exhausted. In the room, Riley starts getting himself ready to sleep on the floor.

---