Page 54 of Null & Void

I cry for the Mika cruelly bullied by her once best friends about the way she looked and her lack of Gift.

I cry for 13-rev-old Mika who was repeatedly raped for being too much and deserved to be taken down a peg. I cry because she didn’t cry each time he broke her and took a piece of her soul. I cry because she couldn’t cry when she brutally murdered him, her rage not allowing her to feel anything else.

I cry for the Mika who became the Silent Assassin instead of being executed, owing her life to a woman all too eager to have a beast on a leash.

I cry for the Mika who was tricked by a boy at sixteen and forced into something she didn’t understand because she thought he liked her. Spitting his ejaculate in his face and breaking his nose was not enough.

I cry for the Mika with fake friendships turned fake lovers, who had the sick fetish of saying they fucked the Silent Assassin and lived.

I cry for the Mika who so desperately craved touch and affection but only received burning agony. For the revs and revs of killing and isolation. The wall of stone and ice that’s been built brick by brick around her heart to suffocate it, allowing herself to be controlled by rage instead.

And I cry for the last few moons with these people I’d deluded myself into thinking were my friends, and that I could be deserving of their love.Sweet Girl. Riley. Bitty. Beans. Tovi. I cry in bitter grief for the loss of them all. For everything that was and could have been.

Every single ugly sob, every single burning hot tear, every single shuddering breath makes whatever was left of my suffocated heart burst into a million pieces. I vow to build the wall higher. Tighter. Colder.

I will give no more—can give no more—of myself. I am done.

Nothing is left.

A soft knock on the door wakes me. I’m still in Riley’s embrace. Bitty and Beans come in with trays of food, my stomach announcing itself loudly.

They clear the table and drag it over to us with the food. With a start, I realize the warm golden glow in the room isn’t from the lantern—it’s early morning. Riley held me the rest of the night.

No words are spoken as Beans serves me a bowl of stewed fruits in syrup, topped with a crunchy and crispy mix of fried oats and nuts. Riley lets go of the embrace but also makes no move to leave the bed. I sit up straighter as Beans wordlessly hands me the bowl, and I whisper my thanks. It’s fucking delicious. Maybe it’s because it’s the first proper food I’ve had in…over ten days.

“I think we should wait a few days before we leave. We can travel on horses from here, but your bruised ribs need to be ready for that,” Beans advises me through mouthfuls of breakfast. “That’s if you still want to continue…”

“Where are we?” I ask, choosing to ignore Beans. As if what I wanted would make any difference.

“A settlement outside of Forsto,” Beans says as he shares a look with Riley.

Bitty clearly notices, and they raise their eyebrows at their bowl and shake their head. “Tell her. She should know.”

“Tell me what?”

Riley sighs, and the hot air ruffles the back of my hair. “Do you know what they had intended to do with you? The Erdu mercenaries?”

“No. They weren’t really the sharing types.”

“They had intended to sell you to skin traders in Forsto,” Beans says, loading up a second helping of breakfast. “We don’t know much more than that because people got spooked when we started poking around. But people know you are—were—the Silent Assassin. We need to keep watch, we don’t know who is going to sell that information now.”

I’d assumed as much. Either that or something equally depraved, after Arpi had gotten what he wanted from me first. I shudder at the memory of him touching me. I hate that he’s the last person to have touched me like that. It’s like he replaced Riley’s touch with his poison.

“Is all my gear here?”

“Of course.” Beans angrily breathes out of his nose, scratching his beard. “Tovi insisted on carrying most of it herself.”

“She was the one who would wake us long before dawn to keep on your trail, sleeping only a few hours at a time,” Bitty adds, staring at their empty bowl.

“And she was the first one to start the fight so Beans could rescue you,” Riley says quietly, his hand resting on the small of my back.

I shake my head, still unable to reconcile everything. “Why? How?”

No one answers because no one knows. The betrayal further rips open the void within me.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

After breakfast, I ask to bathe, and fresh water is brought in. Riley refuses to leave until I throw a metal plate at his head. He tells me he will stand right outside the door.

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