Page 39 of Null & Void

I crawl to the entrance of the alcove and sit leaning against the curved wall.I can hear his shuddering breath, but can barely see anything other than a large, silhouetted lump in the middle of the cave.

“I killed someone the season after I turned thirteen,” I offer, and then want to smack myself in the head because this isn’t a competition. Idiot. Plus, hello? I’m an assassin. Of course he knows I’ve killed people.

“Who?” he asks, clearing his throat.

“Someone I let hurt me too many times.”

“Hurt you, how?” His voice is demanding though still whispered.

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“Did you care for them?”

I pause, his shaky voice wreaking all kinds of havoc inside of me. “In a way. Maybe before.”

“Do you regret it?”

Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? Do I? That single act is what started a career of being a killer-for-hire.The catalyst for turning me into the monster I am today. But I cannot regret that he no longer lives.

I’m still mulling over how to answer, chewing on it like a piece of tough meat, turning it over and over in my head, when Riley’s voice startles me. “I’ve spent the last fifteen revolutions regretting everything and wishing it had been me, instead of Dex, who died.”

Whatever I was going to say in answer to his question vanishes from my mouth. I crawl into the cave, my hand finding Riley’s knee in the dark. I shimmy up next to him, not actually touching, but close enough.

“How did he die? I thought it was an accident?”

Riley takes a long breath in and slowly lets it shudder out of his nose. “I was a terror child and an even worse teen. Declan—Dex—was the cool-headed one. Smart, funny…kind. No matter how much of an asshole I was, he never treated me like the disappointment I clearly was.”

Riley takes another shuddering breath, so I use the opportunity to ask, “He was older, right?”

“Yes, by five revs. Never treated me like the annoying little brother though. He was always looking out for me, like he had this sense when I was getting into trouble.”

His voice is thick with emotion, though he’s as still as stone while he speaks.

“That night, during a Royal Gala my parents were holding, I was angry. They’d just announcedto everyone they were pregnant again. They hadn’t even told me. I found out at the same time as the vapid cesspit of people they barely ever interacted with. I’m not sure if Dex knew before or not. I never had the chance to ask.”

“Pregnant with Nemuel?” I ask.

He hums a confirmation. “I’m more than double her age right now. Dex was old enough to be her father then.” Riley sighs with a painful quiver. “He wanted to be king, and he would have been…It’s why he hadn’t started his own family yet. He wanted to learn and be the very best for Nemoris.” Riley clears his throat, taking a deep breath before continuing. “So, I left. Went looking for the kind of trouble that can only be found in the back alleys of Nemoris Castle City. Didn’t take too long, of course. I always sought out groups of young men, keeping my identity hidden.” He lets out an angry snort. “They don’t fight when they know you’re a prince,” he says with disgust, but I think it was aimed at himself.

“This time was different, too many in the group. I’d picked a fight I wasn’t going to win. I don’t remember if it was a conscious decision to pick a fight I knew I’d lose. But I definitely didn’t know my brother had followed me and would jump in to help.”

I’m holding my breath. This story had never made it to the public. Granted, I was still in the children’s compound in Osraed when it all happened, but not even the rumors mentioned any of this.

“As soon as he joined the fight with the kids—and theywerekids—the one I was fighting brought out a knife and stabbed me twice in the gut, and I went down. Dex screamed and took down the rest of the group before turning on the kid with the knife.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding, far more audibly than I would have liked. It sounded like a whimper. I don’t know if Riley even registered it; his voice now dripped with self-loathing, and he continued without missing a beat.

“All I remember from there is my brother carrying me back to the castle, to our Gifted healer. Flashes of our parents in a panic. The healer arguing with someone. Mother screaming.” He lets out a half-choked sob. “I woke up a few days later, clearly healed by Gift, looking around my empty bedroom. My father entered—I assume to check on me—and I asked where Dex was. He crumbled.”

Riley’s voice changes after a thick swallow. He continues emotionlessly. “Dex had also sustained knife wounds and didn’t tell anyone. He knew the Gifted healer would only have enough energy to heal one of us, and he’d chosen me. It wasn’t until after the healing that my parents realized the extent of Dex’s injuries. The regular healers tried all they could, and they sent for another Gifted healer. But they were too late. Dex died from his wounds not even half an hour after he brought me back.”

Riley finishes in a tone so cold that I shiver. “If I hadn’t been so selfish, Dex would be alive.”

I have nothing to say. What could I say? I move up behind Riley, lying close without touching him.I’m unused to other’s emotions, and touch is foreign. Unsure how to provide comfort to Riley, but wanting to do something, I pat him. I’m propped up on one arm, gently stroking and patting around his face and down his hair.

His breathing slows, and I’m not sure if he’s asleep. We have been lying here quietly for a long time, with only the sound of me patting his head softly. “You didn’t kill him. He saved you. They’re not the same thing,” I say, quieter than a whisper, just in case he’s asleep. Just in case he wants to pretend he didn’t hear me.

But he wasn't asleep, and he did hear me. He snatches my hand from the top of his head and brings it to his mouth, placing a soft kiss on my palm. He holds it there for a second longer, leaving his soft lips pressed against my skin, before letting go.

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