Page 94 of Null & Void

“We need to talk, Mika. Please,” Riley pleads, and I catch him trying to reach for me in the corner of my eye, so I take a quick step to dodge him.

“We’re done, Riley,” I say coldly.

I swing open the door and charge through with Eryn hot on my heels to get my cloak. It’s not until I’m standing in the middle of the sitting room I share with Tovi that the rage finally leaves me. When it does, I’m completely and utterly empty. Devoid of everything. Barely the husk of a beast now.

Tovi must be asleep in our shared bedroom, so I allow myself a moment. I sink to my knees, my face in my hands on the ground, my cloak covering me, and the hood falling over my head.

I’m not sure how long I weep, but once I start, I cannot stop. It’s like I lost the ability to stop myself from crying when I allowed the floodgates to open after Sweet Girl. Thinking of her makes it worse. How do I have this many tears to shed when nothing remains of me but a darkness so complete it could suffocate the Divine world?

Tovi is digging into the cloak, trying to uncover me and find my face. “What happened? Are you okay?” she cries as she starts pulling me up to sit, grabbing my hands away from my face.

She gasps, or hisses—I’m not sure which—but I must really look like shit. “I didn’t hear you come in. I fell asleep waiting.”

I clear my throat and try to fix the hair stuck to my face in my tears. “Everyone is okay. I’m sorry to scare you, nothing is wrong. I’m just…” What?

An emotionally volatile, rage-oholic? Stuck replaying every awful thing I've ever done in my head to remind myself that I don’t deserve to be loved? Confused about what to believe, so I choose to believe the worst? Sick to death of how weak and useless I become whenever Riley touches me, so I erupt in brutal anger and lash out? Hating that I willingly gave him a hold over me, and now I am terrified I can’t get it back? Not wanting to be used by him and turning into this ugly creature that uses him first?

“Get up,” Tovi demands.

I let out a distinguished “Huh?” in query.

Tovi pulls me up, takes off my cloak, and orders me to lift my arms. I do as I’m told, and she pulls the nightdress off, then pulls me by the hand into the washroom.

“Sit,” she orders, pointing to the wooden chair against the wall.

Tovi disappears for a moment and comes back with a clean tunic, gesturing for me to lift my arms again so she can slip it down over my head. Tovi wets a cloth and cleans my face of crusted snot and tears. The last thing I remember is being led to the bedroom and bundled into bed. Bossy.

Usually, I’m up and awake before Tovi, but not this morning. I’m just a used rag that’s been rung out until it ripped. Tovi is nudging me awake, getting progressively rougher as I ignore her.

“Mika. Breakfast,” she whispers before repeating herself louder and louder.

I mumble that I’m not hungry and snuggle down into the blankets, pulling them over my eyes to hide. I haven’t tried to open them yet, but they feel heavy and swollen.

A heartbeat later, Tovi is repeating this dance, but saying lunch is here. Again, I say I’m not hungry, but this time I roll over to face the wall so my back is to her. In the time it takes for me to fall asleep again, I tell myself how pathetic it is that I’m hiding in bed.

Instead of trying to wake me gently for dinner, Tovi pulls off my covers without warning.

“Get up right now, or I will carry you.”

I glare at her, but not wanting her to pick me up, I stand. I glare at her some more for good measure. The foot height difference means I’m angling my face up, and suddenly, I feel like a small, petulant child. She gestures for me to follow her to the washroom.

“Get in.” She gestures to the steaming bath.

I’m already glaring so I let out an angry snort of frustration to let her know how bossy she is. I strip off, throwing the underwear I was still wearing into the bath to wash as well. The water is a perfect temperature, oils dancing along the surface, and the steamy room is filled with a spicy scent.

“Thank you,” I say, smirking at her.

She reclines herself on the wooden chair, using the edge of my bath as a footrest. Apparently, I’m not getting any privacy today.

The bath isn’t big enough for me to stretch out. Made of wood, the big round tub is only deep enough to just cover my breasts. But inside is smooth and pleasant, and I sink into the water with a groan.

I clean my underwear first, hanging them over the edge of the bath. Then I wash my body, scrub my teeth, and clean my face. I don’t worry about my hair; I washed it yesterday and can’t be bothered today, even if it does have dried tears and snot in it.

Tovi has her arms behind her head while she reclines, her eyes closed and face relaxed as she hums a soft tune. She found me in a messy puddle on the floor, and I couldn’t even begin to explain why. But she looked after me anyway. My stomach curdles.

The silence is too much. It’s inviting my brain to think of Riley and the sex…Rage flashes through me like lightning and my cheeks flame. Never has my rage responded to sex before. I thought I wanted a quick release and that I could use Riley for it. Combine them but keep them separate. The fact that I needed Riley’s touch, and he was the reason I needed a release in the first place, unravels my logic. I’ve made a grave mistake thinking I could keep them separate.

It wasn’t just sex to me, and the overwhelming realization begins to choke the air from my lungs, reminding me that I accused the same of Riley.

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