Page 61 of Null & Void

The laughter is in my throat.

I lose count of how many times I stab him.

Over and over. Over and over and over.

This, I wish, was an embellishment. Only a part of my nightmare.

Over and over.

But my memory of this is as vivid as the nightmare that plagues me.

Over.

And over.

My blood mingles with his as I cut my fingers on the blade, so slippery from his blood.

I don’t stop until the blade is bent and useless.

Then, when I can no longer stab, I rip. I rip and claw and scrape at his face, screaming until my throat is as raw as the open wound where my soul used to be.

I cannot remember if this part is the monster I am or only my nightmare. Do I dream about doing this because I did it, or because I wish I had?

The sound of my heaving breath and the gushing walls of blood are my only companions now. I sit, waiting, pleading for the blood to fill the room.

For the release of my own death as I drown in Pasha’s blood.

A few days later, Beans and Riley are bathing in a nearby creek while Bitty and I hang back at camp drinking tea. It’s a pleasant day. The sky is cloud-free, and we have enough random trees for shade, even if the wind is a bit hot.

“Does Riley usually…startle? When you wake him for watch?” I question Bitty tentatively.

“Since you were taken? Absolutely.” Bitty laughs without humor. “I’ve learned to wake him by kicking his boots to keep far away from the knife he sleeps with.”

Frowning, I don’t reply. I’m not sure why I asked or what the answer means to me. I know I should be talking to Riley, but it’s awkward with Beans and Bitty around, especially with Bitty and their Gifted hearing.

Beans and Riley’s laughter can be heard long before we see them coming back from the creek. They’re both barefoot and shirtless, only wearing their pants with axes swinging on their hips as they carry the rest of their clothes and boots. They make a gorgeous pair of Nemorisborn men. Riley’s hair is wet and so is Beans’ beard. Chests and shoulders glistening with water. Beans’ skin—so pale it’s almost translucent—is covered in dark freckles, and just like his beard hides the freckles on his face, so does his chest hair. Riley’s freckled shoulders can barely be seen from this distance, as pale and sporadic as they are.

Bitty clears their throat, and I reluctantly tear my eyes away from the red-haired giants and look back. They raise an eyebrow with a smirk, one dimple appearing as if to mock me.

“I don’t know what that look is, Bitty, but you can stop right there,” I say, with fake reproach.

Bitty laughs loudly while gathering their things for our turn to bathe. We find a good spot and bathe with our backs to one another for privacy. Once we finish getting ourselves clean, we stay soaking together in silence.

Bitty snorts. “Your horse has broken free and managed to nibble on Beans’ weapons harness. He’s sternly telling the creature off, but I get the feeling…”

“…Snooze gives no fucks?” I finish, and we both laugh.

After a long soak, we begrudgingly leave the water. To my disappointment, both men are fully clothed when we return to camp. Actually, my disappointment lies solely at the feet of Riley being fully clothed. That slap of realization makes my cheeks flame.

The terrain continues to change the further north we travel. There are fewer trees, deeper cracks in the earth, and flatter plains. Long stretches with no trees, only brush bushes dotted all over and the sides of the giant canyons and gorges for shade. Some of the gorges are so large and deep, with beautiful rivers through them. The immense amount of water passing through is slightly terrifying.

“Erdu Castle City is made up of four enormous gorges with dwellings built into the walls. Have you been there before?” Beans asks me one afternoon.

“I haven’t. I've had a couple of…jobs in Erdu, but none in Erdu Castle City. I’ve also never been very far west in Erdu—the most I’ve seen are the mud hut villages or the settlements at the foot of the gorges in the east.”

“Beans took me to West Erdu once and it is spectacular! The canyons face out onto the beaches, so getting to stay at inns that have been cut into the side is incredible,” Bitty tells me dreamily.

“Ah,” I say. “This will be why Erdu has a standing agreement to have the first bid on any earth and rock Gifted Patrons.”

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