Page 34 of Null & Void

We drag the men into an area fully under the sky. It’s too risky to burn them in windstorm season with this many trees and dry brush around. We’re also not going to waste time or honor them by digging holes to feed them to the trees either. The sun and animals can have their fill until only bleached bones remain.

Unfortunately, some of our belongings are covered in the signs of death. We take everything to the almost dry creek bed to wash off what we can, as none of us want to go back to sleep at this point.

Packed up, we travel a distance downwind and set up camp again. It’s still the middle of the night, and much too dangerous to be trekking in the dark with cracks in the earth big enough to swallow a horse.

I offer to take the next watch as I am too wired to even think of going back to sleep. No one disagrees. Beans comes to check on me before retiring for the second time tonight. He doesn’t say a word, only rests his hand on the edge of my shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. And then, after a few seconds of silence together, he gives it a pat and gets into his bedroll.

I check our perimeter, and when I’m satisfied that we aren’t being snuck up on again, I take up a spot on a high ridgeline with an excellent view of the camp and surroundings.

After a couple of hours, I can see Tovi is awake, and I let her relieve me. Before she passes, she pauses in front of me. Just when I think she’s not actually going to say anything, and I make a move to continue back to camp, she opens her mouth.

“Thank you for your help tonight. That could have been a lot worse without you.”

“No need. Protecting you all and helping save the princess is what I was…bought for.” It comes out sounding bitter, though I didn’t mean it like that. “I mean?—”

“I know what you meant.” She smiles and moves to walk past me, and I feel a sudden slap to my ass. I turn in shock and give her a what the fuck look, and she grins and shrugs.

Why does everyone slap my ass?

My mind whirring through tonight’s kills, I stretch out in my bedroll, but I’m still unable to sleep.

“Are you okay?” Riley whispers, startling me because I didn’t realize he was awake.

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” he says through a quiet yawn, stretching onto his back. He slaps at my foot when I don’t answer immediately.

“I’m too good at killing. It keeps me awake sometimes,” I whisper, hoping no one else can hear my confession. I disconnect from the reality that is taking a life. Pretend. Detach. Let my rage take over.

Riley is quiet for long enough that I assume he’s fallen back to sleep, but then he quietly says, “It would be a problem if it didn’t give you pause to end someone’s life, Firecat.”

Contemplating Riley’s words, I try to get comfortable. It’s a bit chilly, so I put my hands in my pockets. I pull a hand back out, and with it come petals—the ones Riley showered me with. They’ve lost most of their pretty smell, but they still look beautiful.

Riley, with his head at the end of his mat closest to me, breathes softly. I sprinkle the handful of half-dried yellow petals slowly over his face until his eyes snap open in confusion. And then he’s frowning with a grin and closing his forest green eyes, letting me finish.

“You kept them?”

“Never know when they might come in handy. Goodnight, Riley.”

“Goodnight, Mika.” My name is barely audible through his whisper.

When his breath finally falls into the rhythm of sleep, I quietly voice one last question. “But what if it’s not ending a life that gives me pause, but not being bothered by it…that bothers me?”

A soft whisper from the leaves in the nearby trees is my only answer. But I have always known the answer. I’m a monster.

“Come on, Firecat. Your hatchets against my swords?” Tovi says the next evening when we stop for camp, using the unfortunate nickname Riley favors for me.

“Only if you promise not to make that ridiculous name a thing,” I groan, trying to hide my surprise and delight that Tovi has approached me to spar.

Once again, I’m grateful to Frankie for creating the leather guards on my hatchets that allow me to train safely with someone. Riley and Beans are sparring down by the creek while Bitty watches them, so it will be Tovi and I with no audience.

Tovi is bigger than me, and her reach is much farther, especially with her short swords. Her powerful strikes take everything for me to block with my hatchets, but I am constantly smacking her with the face of my hatchets.

“Bitch, again?” Tovi hisses, after taking a leather-covered hatchet to the stomach. She jumps back ready to go again, shaking her head with a smile and showing her perfect teeth—both dangerous and beautiful.

I twirl with my hatchets as if I’m a princess and not a mud-covered slave assassin, flourishing into an exaggerated bow, which causes Tovi to laugh. I grin at her in response.

When both of us are covered in sufficient bruises and cuts, we call a truce (I won, but we weren’t technically keeping score…). Lying in the mud and grass as we catch our breath, I watch the Kauri trees covered in Clematis vines. The trees themselves are large, with small almond-shaped leaves dotting their strong branches. Almost no trunk and barely any of the branches are visible, with the Clematis vine covering it entirely. The small white blooms attract thousands of busy bees, the low drone of their buzzing the only sound besides our breathing.

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