Page 88 of Morally Corrupt

"You disgust me!"

I've never made excuses for my behavior before.

I've always thought that I am what I am, why should I change? I kill because I enjoy it. I take coke because I enjoy it. I love Theo because I enjoy it.

Maybe that's the problem… It always goes back to what I'm enjoying. I don't think I've ever done anything that doesn't result inmy enjoyment,no matter how much I've professed that I've always put Theo's well-being above my own.

Alone in my continuous torment, I realize I never have.

I've been overconfident. I've assumed he'd never find out. I've assumed he'd always be mine.

And now he's not.

Why? Why can't he overlook it? Why can't he accept me?

But I know the truth deep down, just as I've known when I've changed my personality to suit him. I've known he'd never go for me, the real me.

I'm bawling at this point. Big, fat tears streaming down my face. I can't do this. I can't ever do this.

I struggle out of bed, almost tripping on my way out.

"Vlad!" I yell, banging on the door. "Vlad!" I keep on hitting the door.

"Bianca?" I hear Vlad respond once the door opens.

I don't stop however, now hitting his chest instead.

"I can't do it, Vlad. I can't! Please don't make me do it!" I cry out, sobs wrecking my body. When all my energy is spent from my tantrum, I collapse at Vlad's feet.

"B, come on, let's put you to bed." He gathers me in his arms and puts me to bed.

"Please…" I beg him. "One line. Just one. I need out of my head. I can't bear these thoughts, Vlad." My hands go to his blazer, and I plead with him at this point. I don't want to hear Theo's voice telling me how disgusting I am anymore. I don't want to see his face full of disappointment, of hate.

"I can't, B. You have to push through. It's only been two days. It's going to get better, I promise."

"Why would I? He hates me. He… He can't stand the sight of me."

"But you said you weren't going to give up on him. Remember?"

I shake my head. "It's pointless. He's never going to forgive me, is he?"

"Shh, B, come on, sleep." He tugs my head towards the pillow, holding me for a little longer.

I sleep more, waking up only to eat and drink some fluids. Sasha, Vlad's doctor, comes by a few times to check up on me, but he doesn't say much.

I'm still having bad dreams. And when I'm awake, my mind immediately goes to Theo.

I've asked Vlad if he's tried to contact me so far, but he has refrained from replying.

In my few moments of clarity, I can understand Vlad's thoughts. He doesn't think I can ever get Theo back.

It's a new day when I wake, or so I think. From what Vlad's told me, this is the third day of my detox. To say I'm craving a line is an understatement. From the moment I open my eyes, I notice the trembling in my body. The fact that my eyes can't focus well on things. But mostly, I become singularly focused on getting more dope.

It's pure instinct when a guy comes in later to bring me food. I wait for him to give me his back before I grab him by the throat, stealing his gun.

I'm still a sweaty mess, but I'm a sweaty mess with a purpose.

I yank open the door and head for one of the warehouses. I know Vlad's house like I know my own. And I know he always keeps some product on hand for emergency deliveries. I just have to make my way to the edge of the property where the warehouses are located.

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