Page 4 of The Fall

“I love you,” he confessed, staring up at me as he slid my T-shirt over my head. “I love you,” he repeated heavily beneath me as he stroked my face. I smiled at him as he came to meet my lips and whispered back, “I love you too, Josh.”

Still, as I said the words, I felt the same thing I’d always felt when I said the words back…guilt.

I walked into Mr. Carson’s room and waited for his wife to end her phone conversation. I was making rounds with Dr. Pierce again this morning. Pierce was a grimy old bastard of a veteran who had horrible news for the Carsons. I stood and quietly watched Mrs. Carson fall apart at the diagnosis that her husband’s cancer was back and inoperable. The light in her face went completely dark, and for the first time in years, I felt moisture on my cheeks.

What in the hell? I do not cry! I never cry!

I braved a glance at Dr. Pierce, who wasn’t looking in my direction, as he explained the ins and outs of Mr. Carson’s worsening condition. I quickly wiped the wetness from my face before excusing myself. I couldn’t lose composure in front of patients! And I damn sure couldn’t cry! What the hell was going on? I quickly walked to the nearest bathroom and washed my face. Having overslept again—something I rarely did—I’d not had time to put makeup on that morning, my exhaustion evident in the tiny bags under my eyes.

My my my, Dallas Whitaker, you look like shit. Okay, doc, what is going on? The flu? I have the flu!

I quickly walked to Dr. Pierce’s side when he left the Carsons’ room. I knew it was the worst possible time to approach him.

“Sir, I believe I’m sick.”

“Oh, Dallas, what are your symptoms?”

“Fatigue, nausea, frequent urination, and I’m sleeping longer than normal.”

“Better go get a urine test.”

“Sir?”

“I can’t believe I have to point this out to you, Dallas,” he huffed in indignation as he walked away, his head down, his attention on his charts.

I stood in the middle of the hall and watched him, incredulous. He turned the corner and eyed me carefully in the hall, musing as the realization washed over me. My knees damn near buckled, and I felt sweat pool at the top of my head, then creep down my neck as fear swept through me.

Please, God, no!

“Just take the test, Dallas, but before you do, let’s go see the rest of our patients.” At the sound of his voice, I pulled myself together and quickly caught up to him to finish our rounds. He never once engaged me with prognosis questions. It was completely atypical of him, too. Usually, he would use this as an opportunity to really put his punishment skills to work. I still needed a constant chaperone starting as a second-year resident, but I had a hand in all departments until I decided my specialty. I would be starting a general practice in a few years and needed to get my feet wet anywhere and everywhere. I gave him a nod of thanks as we finished our day and quickly ran to my car. I had dinner with Mom and Dad tonight, and while normally I would be excited to see them, I was no longer looking forward to it. I buried my head in my hands, terrified at the possibility. No, no, no. This isn’t how this is supposed to go. Josh was officially dead to me. I hated him and his dirty dick …

Bastard.

I would kill him if he ruined my career before it even started.

I could kiss my practice goodbye if I had to put my life on hold for a baby.

Baby.

Fear choked me, making it impossible not to think of how far I’d come. Against all odds, I had survived eight years of school, only to stifle my own career before it had even really begun.

I hadn’t thought about the possibility of a family or anything related to some semblance of a personal life in years. I no longer had any desire to go that route at all. I closed my eyes, willing my waking nightmare away.

Baby.

More tears slipped from my face as I pushed them away with my fingers, willing my body to stop betraying me. I’d worked too hard to get to where I was. I tried in vain to shake off the blanket of dread that began to cover me and buckled my seat belt, both literally and figuratively.

Pulling up to my childhood home, I was thankful to see Rose’s SUV. I hurried inside and saw Rose and my parents chatting at the kitchen table. I said a quick hello and ran upstairs to my old room, letting them know I would be right down. I grabbed the test and quickly emptied the two water bottles I’d just downed on the ride over onto the stick. I heard the bathroom door handle jiggle and then saw Rose before I had a chance to react.

“Rosie, get out!” Shrieking the words repeatedly didn’t do a damn bit of good. True to her nature, my sister walked in and made herself at home against my protest.

“Oh, please. I’ve seen it all, and you—” She stopped, eyes wide as she picked up the test box and studied me.

“Dallas, why in the hell are you taking a pregnancy test?”

“Because I’m one hundred and fifty percent confident in my birth control, Rose. Why in the hell do you think I’m taking one?” I deadpanned.

“Oh, my God, Dallas, you’re kidding me!”

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