Page 78 of Love and Other Lost Things

All the heat in Jane’s body gathered between her legs. And once Nik had rid her of the rest of her clothes, he found that place, first sliding a finger inside her, and then two. Her body clenched around him, pressure building as she gasped in pleasure, gripping his shoulders to hold herself upright. And then he followed his hand with his mouth, and the fire that he was stoking finally ignited, spreading through her bloodstream, blazing in her core and exploding through her limbs. “Nik,” she whispered, weakly. Her legs finally gave out, and she slid to the floor beside him in a heap.

She’d never come like that, not with a man who cared about giving her pleasure. Not with anyone besides herself, alone in her bed late at night while Matteo was at the club and Nik was possessing her thoughts in a way that she’d never, ever allow in the light of day. She wanted more. She wanted every fantasy, every moment she’d longed for and that they’d missed out on for the past ten years.

“Nik, I need you inside me.” She grasped for the button on his jeans, fumbled with his zipper, tugged the denim down over his hips. “Now.”

“Jane,” he murmured against her hair. “Wait.” He reached for his jeans, now on the floor, dragging his wallet out of the pocket and tugging a condom from the folds. He put it on while she climbed on top of him. As soon as he took his hands away, Jane sank down on him, their heat, their breath, their bodies finally moving together, exactly where they belonged.

THIRTY

Afterward, they lay on the couch wrapped in a flannel blanket, Jane’s head resting on Nik’s chest, his arm wrapped around her back.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Nik mused, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

Jane snuggled closer. “It feels like the most beautiful dream. I don’t want to ever wake up.”

“Maybe you don’t have to.”

Jane leaned back to look up in his eyes.

Nik gently shifted so she slid beneath him. He leaned over her, elbows braced on either side of her head. “Jane.” He ran a hand gently against her cheek. “Who put that bruise on your face? And don’t tell me you ran into a cabinet. Was it Scarlett’s father?”

Jane hesitated and then nodded. “Matteo.”

“Does he—” Nik cleared his throat. “Does this happen often?”

Jane nodded again.

Nik swore under his breath. “When did it start?”

“There were red flags before we had Scarlett. He had a temper and would snap at the bar staff. But it really escalated after she was born. I was so vulnerable then. No job, no money, nowhere to go, and he knew he could do whatever he wanted.”

“And you lived with this for ten years?”

Jane closed her eyes, the gravity of that statement settling on her chest, heavier now that she finally had some distance from that terrible place and time. Now that she was back here with Nik. How could I have stayed for ten years? “He went through phases—sometimes he could be sweet and thoughtful. Sometimes he really seemed to be trying. He was sorry. He wanted to be a better man.”

Jane remembered how relieved she’d felt during those times of remorse. How hopeful that everything was going to be okay. “Once he bought a book about anger management. Another time, the bartender at the club, Yolanda, recommended a good therapist.”

But Matteo never read past chapter three in that book, and he never called the therapist. He never changed, not on more than a surface level, and never for long. But each time he gave the appearance of trying was a reprieve for Jane. The calm, the peace, they were enough to trick her into staying for a while longer. And in the darkest times, it was the terror that had gripped her.

Most women who are murdered by their abusers are killed after they leave, not before.

Staying was safer than leaving.

In the darkest times, Jane believed Matteo would kill her.

“I know how it sounds, believe me. When I was a kid, I never understood why my mom didn’t just leave. Just… leave. How hard could it be?” Jane stared over his shoulder. “I had no idea how hard. How an abuser gaslights you into thinking it’s your fault. You think you did something wrong or you’re imagining what’s happening to you.” She twisted the throw blanket in her hands. “And then you become so isolated, so alone, that you can’t imagine where you’d go or what you’d do, even if you could manage to get out.”

“I wish…” But then Nik trailed off, shaking his head.

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past. What matters is that you’re here now and you’re not alone.” He pulled her closer. “You’ll never be alone again.”

“I wanted to call you, Nik. I wanted to so badly. But I was eighteen and traumatized and had just given birth to Scarlett. And I was terrified of ruining your life, and so scared for my own. And for my daughter’s. When you’re in a situation like that, you can’t see anything clearly. You’re just moving dirt around in your little hole and you don’t even have the energy to look up and see if there’s sky overhead.” Jane took a shaky breath. “I couldn’t come home. My dad was still here. I’d fled from him in the first place. And, after a while, I convinced myself that nobody would want me anyway.”

“I want you, Jane. And so do Hannah and Ali. And I know you have a lot to work out with your mom, but I saw her with Scarlett, and I saw the way she looks at you. She’s so happy you’re home.”

“I know she is. And I know she was in the exact same situation I was. I hope that someday Scarlett will be able to forgive me.” With that thought, Jane hesitated. She hoped Scarlett would forgive her, not just for staying with Matteo. If Nik really was her father…

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