Page 6 of Love and Other Lost Things

The only memory that didn’t leave Jane flinching had played out right here in this driveway. She closed her eyes. It had been a sedan just like this old Toyota, except, back then, Nik had been driving. He’d leaned across the center console to kiss her goodbye. It was a chaste kiss. Innocent. Sweet. And then his tongue had brushed her lip, dipped into her mouth for just a second, a brief reminder of the passion they’d shared just an hour earlier. Jane had reluctantly moved away from Nik, back to her side of the car. She hadn’t wanted Dad to peek out the window and catch them making out.

If only I’d known.

With that, Jane’s mind inevitably shifted to Nik and the heat radiating from his tall frame as he moved closer to her in the store aisle. The warmth on her skin that had nothing to do with his hand resting there. And, just like that, it had all come rushing back like no time had passed.

Maybe she should have anticipated seeing him back here in Linden Falls. It was the holidays after all, and people came back for the holidays, didn’t they? But Jane had put Nik out of her mind a decade ago and had doggedly beat back any thoughts of him that had tried to creep in. It was the only way she was able to keep moving forward.

Jane paused to send Matteo a text, letting him know they’d arrived safely. To her relief, he replied with nothing more than a thumbs up emoji. Hopefully, he’d be so busy with holiday parties at the club that he wouldn’t want to talk much this week. She was probably just being paranoid, but ever since he’d agreed to let her and Scarlett take this trip, she’d lived in fear that an expression on her face or the waver in her voice might give her away.

Sighing, Jane hauled herself out of the car, slung her backpack on her shoulders, and then pulled a sleepy Scarlett from the back seat. Jane’s knees creaked under her daughter’s weight, leaving her feeling ages past her twenty-eight years. These opportunities for Scarlett to still be her little girl were few and far between. In another year, her daughter would be too big to carry at all.

At the front door, Jane hesitated with her hand outstretched. This place hadn’t been her home in a decade. Was she supposed to knock? Before Jane could make up her mind, the door swung open.

“Mom.” Jane stared at the figure in the doorway, heart pounding. Her first urge was to stumble across the threshold and throw herself into her mother’s arms. Mommy, she wanted to say, burying her face in Mom’s neck and inhaling her familiar scent. She wanted Mom to rub her back, just like she used to do, and make all the nightmares go away.

Even after everything she’d been through, everything she’d navigated on her own, she still wanted the comfort of her mother.

But instead of giving in to her longing, Jane took a step back, steeling her heart. This woman wasn’t the same person who used to care for her when she was young, who Jane thought would care for her forever. That woman didn’t exist, and this woman was a stranger. She’d proven that when Jane had needed her most, and Mom had abandoned her.

When Mom had chosen Dad instead of her own daughter.

“Please…” Mom stepped back and waved stiffly into the house. “Come in.”

Jane eased past the older woman into the entryway. She even looked like a stranger. Mom was only forty-eight, but the exhaustion on her face had aged her at least a decade more. Deep lines crisscrossed her forehead and extended from the dark circles under her eyes. One of Dad’s old sweatshirts swallowed up her thin frame, and she wore a brace on her left wrist.

Since Jane had been gone, they’d only FaceTimed a few times a year, and usually Jane handed the phone to Scarlett. When had Mom gotten so old? Did she look this tired the last time they’d talked a couple of weeks ago? Jane had still been processing Dad’s death and wanted to tell Mom her plan to leave LA before Matteo got home. Maybe Jane had been too distracted to notice.

Mom closed the front door. It stuck a little and she had to give it an extra shove with her shoulder before she clicked the lock shut, wincing at the effort.

Another unwanted stab of emotion pierced Jane’s heart. “How are you?” she asked, trying to keep her voice from shaking. “You’re not sick, are you?”

“No, I’m fine. Just a little tired. It’s been a long couple of months… since your father…” Mom pressed a hand to her abdomen as if it physically pained her to think about it.

Jane tried not to resent the grief on Mom’s face. The woman had lost her husband of three decades to a heart attack, of course she felt some sort of sorrow over his death. But Mom didn’t miss him, did she? Over Mom’s shoulder, Dad’s smelly, beat-up recliner was still taking up space in front of the living room window, the coaster where he used to set his beer on the table beside it. His boots were still lined up on the floor mat in the hall. It had been months since his death. Why hadn’t Mom gotten rid of those reminders of him?

She couldn’t possibly long for the days of flinching when the front door opened in the evening, of tiptoeing around, wondering what Dad’s mood would be like, of living life as the punching bag for a relentless bully. And Jane would have never in a million years come home if Dad were still around. Never in a billion years would she have brought Scarlett. Did Mom feel any sort of gratitude that she was finally able to meet her only grandchild in person? Her gaze slid to Mom’s arm. The brace she wore there was just as familiar as this old house. But shouldn’t Mom’s injuries be in the past now?

“What happened to your wrist?”

Mom adjusted the Velcro on the brace. “This is just an old injury. It acts up sometimes, especially in the cold weather.”

So, it wasn’t just Dad’s emotional scars that would linger forever. Jane shuddered at the memory of Mom holding her broken wrist with the opposite hand. I slipped on the rug, that’s all. Her voice had cracked, belying her claim that it didn’t hurt that much. It flooded back to Jane as if the incident had happened a few months ago instead of decades, along with that same tightening in her chest.

And along with a similar ache in her own wrist that acted up when the temperature dropped.

Jane never thought it would happen to her, never thought she’d end up like her mother. But here she was. This was why she had to run. Because if she didn’t, it would only be a matter of time before Scarlett ended up like both of them.

Jane’s arms were starting to shake under Scarlett’s weight, so she gently eased her to her feet. Scarlett stirred, rubbing her eyes with a palm, still clutching her elephant in the other hand.

“Oh.” Mom froze, staring at Scarlett as her eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Scarlett. It’s wonderful to see you in person.” Her gaze flew to Jane’s, roaming over her face. “It’s wonderful to see you both. I’m so glad you could come.” She reached out a palm to touch Jane’s cheek, but something hard must have flashed across Jane’s face because Mom dropped her hand at the last second.

Jane wasn’t here for hugs and tearful reconciliations. She was here to protect her daughter, something her mother hadn’t done for her. Jane bent her head, focusing on helping Scarlett out of her coat to hide the moisture welling in her eyes.

“She’s—she’s so big.” Mom stood back, gaping at Scarlett.

Jane nodded. “She’s nine.”

“I know… I just… I guess I was still imagining that little baby in the photo. And then on FaceTime, it’s hard to see how tall she’s gotten.”

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