Page 40 of Love and Other Lost Things

Jane’s first instinct was to shake her head. If she gave up her job, she’d be entirely dependent on Matteo, and she couldn’t let that happen. But then she hesitated. If she said no, he could fire her and toss her back out on the street. Jane would be worse off than she was the first time around. She’d be homeless and pregnant. Jane clutched her abdomen. How had she let this happen?

Matteo reached out and took her hand. “Think of it, Jane. Neither of us has any family. But the three of us will be that for each other. A real family.”

Matteo had only told her a little about his upbringing. His father was never in the picture, and he’d been close with his mother, but she’d passed away a few years ago. Jane had been vague about her own home life. Matteo knew she came from Linden Falls—he still liked to call it East Bumfuck—but she’d told him very little about her family. Only that they were estranged, and Jane wasn’t in contact with them.

“You don’t push someone you care about. You don’t break things,” she said accusingly.

Matteo leaned in, meeting her eyes, and Jane was stunned to see that they were red and rimmed with tears. “You’re right.” He slid closer, and in her shock, she let him. “I am so sorry,” he repeated. “It will never, ever happen again.”

“How can I believe you?” She could still feel the vibration of the broken guitar as his foot connected with it. Could still hear the wood splintering. Jane had been here before, and she’d be crazy to stay with Matteo. Wouldn’t she?

“You have to let me make it up to you. You have to let me try.” He reached across the bed to pick up a shopping bag he’d set on the side table. It was from the 24-hour pharmacy, the same one where she’d bought the pregnancy test just a few hours ago. How did it feel like days already?

“I got you some things.” Matteo reached into the bag and pulled out a container of pills. He held it out to her so she could read the label. Prenatal vitamins. Next came a stuffed elephant. And then a handful of chocolate bars. “In case you have cravings.” He gave her a crooked smile, and despite every part of her that knew better, Jane felt herself wavering.

Matteo cocked his head. “What do you say? Can we be a family?”

A family.

The sound of Mom’s voice came back to Jane, telling her she couldn’t help. She wasn’t willing to help. Jane’s family really was gone, and there was no going back.

“I’m going to be the best father to this kid you’ve ever seen.” Matteo swiped at a tear on his cheek. “I can be a better man if you let me prove it to you.”

Dad had never, ever apologized to Mom the way Matteo was apologizing right now. He’d doubled down and blamed everyone except himself. But not only was Matteo sorry, he was crying. She felt her own eyes well up. What if Dad had shown some remorse, some desire to be a better person? How would her life have ended up differently?

“What do you say?” Matteo asked, taking her face gently in his hands, brushing the tears from her cheeks.

“Something like today can never happen again,” Jane said.

“It won’t.” Matteo leaned in to kiss her, and she let him press his lips to hers, let him settle her back on the bed. “I promise.”

SIXTEEN

PRESENT DAY

The next morning, Jane woke to a text from Matteo, another version of the one she’d gotten at the café when she was with Nik. One of the servers had quit, and he was pissed they’d left him in the lurch right before the holiday. His message was a long rant about how he didn’t have anyone to fill in.

Jane stared at the phone in her shaking hands. Please, God, just don’t have him tell me to come home to work at the club. Though she’d quit when she was pregnant with Scarlett, Jane occasionally filled in as a server when one of the regular staff was out sick. Matteo didn’t like it. Didn’t like the men watching her in her low-cut T-shirt. Didn’t like Jane forming friendships with Yolanda and the other bartenders. So, he’d rarely had her do it unless he was desperate.

Jane hoped he wasn’t desperate.

She needed every minute she could steal before Matteo expected her home. It wasn’t just the matter of Kait getting the car and paperwork together. Jane had hoped she’d have at least a few days to cross the border and get lost somewhere in the middle of Canada before Matteo noticed she was missing.

She typed a sympathetic message to Matteo and hit send, hoping that would appease him until he could find someone else to fill in. Sometimes that was all he needed: someone to complain to. Someone to take his frustrations out on.

Jane climbed out of bed with an enormous sense of relief that she wasn’t there so he could take his frustrations out on her in person. With any luck, she never would be again.

Downstairs, she found Mom and Scarlett making pancakes again. After breakfast, they spent a quiet morning putting together a puzzle on the coffee table. It was a distraction from checking her phone for messages from Matteo, who’d texted twice more to complain about the server situation, but so far hadn’t asked her to come home. Or Kait, who Jane knew wouldn’t reach out for at least a few more days.

When Scarlett switched over to playing with her Barbie Legos that afternoon, Jane headed upstairs to take a shower. As she made her way down the hall toward the bathroom, she paused once again outside her old bedroom door.

If they couldn’t take a Barbie Lego set with them, she definitely didn’t have room for a guitar. So, what did it matter if it was in there or not? Her hand grasped the cold metal of the doorknob, remembering how that same hand had curved around the neck of the instrument last night. She hadn’t played in a decade, but somehow it had all come back to her as if it was exactly what she was meant to do. Even now, as the thought floated through her head, her fingers twitched as if they were moving effortlessly across an imaginary set of strings.

Jane shoved the door open and was immediately hit with an assault of memories from her past. The green striped duvet on the bed, the shelf lined with old yearbooks, the posters of Lana Del Rey, Tegan and Sara, and the other musicians she’d loved in high school. Above the desk across the room, the bulletin board still displayed her old concert tickets and, next to them, photos of her friends. Nik showed up in most of them, of course. But so did Ali and Hannah.

Jane moved closer to get a better look, and she couldn’t help but smile.

The four of them had become friends in ninth grade when they’d ended up sitting at the same lunch table. There was sweet, ethereal Hannah in her flowered maxi dresses and Birkenstock sandals. Jane never thought she’d miss those weird hemp-heart cookies Hannah used to bring to school every day but, over the years, she’d found herself craving them. It was really Hannah’s calm, caring energy she’d craved.

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