Page 97 of Conquering Conner

It reminds me of what Tess said last night.

When do we get to be happy? When do we get to stop watching them be happy without us, without it feeling like someone’s got our guts in a meat grinder?

“You keep saying that.” I let her go because I’m seriously torn between shaking her and kissing her and I know I can’t give in and do either. “When is it going to click, Henley? How many more times do I have to cut myself open for you before you get the picture?” I laugh but there’s nothing humorous about the way it sounds. “I’ll never move on. I’ll never stop loving you. I don’t know how. It’s not how I’m put together.” I lift a hand to my face and give it a rough scrub. “I wish to Christ it was. I wish I was the guy you think I am. Life would be a hell of a lot easier if I was.”

It’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud. That I wish I was something other than what I am. That I know I’ll never be that person. The person who doesn’t love her. Need her.

She stands there, staring at me, mouth open to say something but I beat her to it.

“Don’t.” I shake my head at her. “Whatever you’re about to say, don’t. My fucked-up feelings aren’t your responsibility. My fucked-up way of dealing with them isn’t your fault. I’ve been who I am since the day I was born—long before I ever asked you for your calculus notes and I’ll still be who I am after you leave again.”

She doesn’t say anything. Just stares at me, chewing on her bottom lip like she’s trying to decide what to do next. She’s having a hard time figuring it out, so I decide to help her out.

“You should probably head on home and tuck Prince Charming into bed.” I take a step back, putting distance between us. “He’s had an exciting day.”

“I don’t want to go home.” She frowns at me. Takes a step forward.

“Henley…” I turn my head, holding my hands up to stop her from coming any closer. “Please don’t do this to me.” I can’t say no to her. She knows I can’t. “Please, I don’t think I can—”

“I want to stay.”

Something about the way she says it makes me look at her. Drops my hands. Pushes me toward her. Makes me think she means longer than just tonight.

Like maybe she means forever.

“I love you.” She looks down at the piece of paper in her hand. “I love you and I want to stay.”

She can’t stay. I know she can’t and so does she. But right now, it’s enough that she wants to.

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