Page 40 of Conquering Conner

Bitched out.

I said no because I knew what she wanted. That I’d give in. Fuck her. Kiss her.

And what’s wrong with that?

If she knew the truth about me, what goes on in my fucked-up head and that I’m just pretending to be a normal functioning person most of the time, she’d want nothing to do with me.

I can’t keep doing that because the more time I spend with her, the sooner she’ll figure it out. Eventually, she’s going to be able to look at me and see just how fucked up I really am. How broken.

She deserves better than me.

I know that, I’m just too much of a selfish prick to cut her loose and I’m such a pathetic shitsack that I can’t tell her no.

So, avoidance is my shitty plan C.

“Hey.”

I raise my head to find Patrick standing a few feet away, wearing another one of his fancy suits, leaning against my work bench like the prospect of getting engine grease and tire soot on his jacket doesn’t even occur to him. I didn’t hear him come in, but I’m not surprised he’s here. By the look on his face, he’s been here for a while.

I lower my gaze, concentrating on the bolt I’m tightening. “What the fuck do you want?” It’s a shitty thing to say. Patrick has never once been anything but loyal. He’d slit throats and burn bodies for me. I know that. He’s like a brother to me. Closer than my own.

I don’t know why I say it.

Yes you do.

He’s the Conner Gilroy up-sale. The version of me that’s better in every way. Smart enough to be successful, without the fucked-up brain.

Good-looking enough to get any girl he wants without the need to exploit it.

Wealthy enough to do whatever he wants but what he wants is to make the world the better place, not raze and burn everything he touches.

Morals and principles.

He doesn’t have to think about what’s right. Doesn’t have to wonder if he’s making the good choice. He just knows. Just does it.

He’s the version of you that’s worthy.

Good enough for her.

If my nasty attitude bothers him, he doesn’t let on. “Just saw Tess.” It’s an open-ended comment but I can tell by the way he’s looking at me, like I’m a rabid dog he’s been charged with putting down, that there’s nothing open-ended about him being here.

He’s here to put me out of my misery.

“Yeah?” I don’t look at him. Whatever it is he has to say, it’ll be easier on both of us that way.

“Uhhh, yeah…” he sighs. “She told me you’re having a hard time sleeping.”

“For as long as I can remember.” Bolt tightened, I move on to the next. “Not like it’s news to anyone.”

“Alright, how’s this for a news flash?” Annoyance skates through his tone. When I’m on one, I’m a small-dose kind of guy and Cap’n’s quickly reaching his limit. “She also told me you quit drinking.”

I stop what I’m doing, straightening my frame. I turn and pin him with a glare. “And?”

His eyebrows lower, his face the mirror image of mine. “And, given your current situation, do you think that’s wise?”

“My current situation?” I can feel my grip tighten around the handle of my wrench. “What the fuck do you know about my current situation?”

“Enough to know that you’re flirting with disaster.”

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