Page 223 of The Last Good Man

A few moments pass.

“It no longer matters,” I go on. “But it was justifiable in your case and demeaning in mine?”

A second flies by.

“Do you really want to know why I did it?” I ask.

“I’m dying to hear all about it,” he says, pulling his hands out of his pockets and crossing his arms over his chest.

“You got my attention when you proved so right about my life.Youwant to know the truth? I knew those men were bad. Did I know about their hookers? No, I didn’t. I wasn’t so interested in them to hire a PI and follow them around. Regardless, the signs were there… And yes, you can say I was complacent and lazy and preferred to see a shrink. I did it because I didn’t want to face reality. My mistake was that I lingered. The problem was I didn’t know what the alternative was.”

I flick my hand up.

“Before you scoff,” I say, although he remains frozen. “I couldn’t grasp who you were from only a few encounters. Was I wrong? Yes, I was. Could you have been good for me? I had no way of knowing.”

A dark chuckle rolls off his lips.

“We’re wasting our time, Mel,” he says, and I feel like the floors are sinking.

His voice moves so tenderly over my name while his words dishearten me.

“Then, why do you care that I’m here?”

“This is not a place for a woman like you,” he says, uncrossing his arms and grabbing my forearm to drag me down the corridor and out of the establishment.

I yank my arm out of his grip.

“No need to be condescending. I can find my way out. Go back to your life and your perfect woman. And by the way, you shouldn’t have bothered to open my eyes. After a few more years and more money going down the drain, I would’ve reached that conclusion myself and stopped. See…” I say, turning to him, my voice shaky with emotion. “It doesn’t matter how men do it. Whether they hire hookers behind your back or punish you because you’ve made a mistake, the outcome is the same.”

I look deep into his eyes.

They seem glazed with tears like mine.

“You’ve made me feel so cheap,” I murmur. “And it all took a turn for the worse when I learned about your life and felt the prick of envy. Do you really think we could’ve had a conversation like this like two normal people? I don’t think so. My perception was skewed, and I didn’t know what you meant when you claimed you wanted me to be yours. You being out of reach changed all that. At one point, I blamed you for not knowing what you wanted. I still think you didn’t know whether you wanted mefor real.I was a woman who caught your eye, and for whatever reason, you wanted me. Maybe it was sexual attraction. I think it was. And then you told me what I wanted to hear…”

I let out a chuckle, brimming with sadness.

“And you were so damn right, weren’t you?” I go on, tasting a salty tear on my lips. “You got the gist of me when you saw me the first time. Any man with basic knowledge about women could put two and two together. I wasn’t seeing Aretha Stenson because my love life was great. You grasped that quickly. And what better way to mess with someone’s head than giving them something resembling what they want. You knew the odds were stacked against us, but you thought that hammering out a compromise while talking about the same idea over and over again would eventually make a difference. You wanted to have me. You had me. But I couldn’t believe the rest of it. And I still can’t. I’m at a crossroads, Jax, and I don’t knowwhich wayto go. You may see things I don’t see, but that’s not how it works. I need to see them myself. I couldn’t sleep after you left that night. And I still can’t. I want you more than anything else, but you see…” I say, smiling bitterly. “That is precisely the thing. I can’t pull you into my chaos. No one has that much to give. Not even you.”

A lump forms in my throat and I stubbornly push it down, but it still threatens to stir up a storm of feelings.

“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice hoarse. “I really am. I wish things could’ve worked between us somehow.”

He softens his stance, erases the space between us, and brings his hand to my head.

He slowly removes the cap before lightly brushing my hair over my shoulder and touching my cheek.

“What makes you think things can’t work out between us now?” he asks quietly, gently stroking my face.

“I just told you. Besides, what you said that night made me feel small.”

“It wasn’t my intention to hurt you in any way, but I was exasperated by how unable you were to see us. You had let all those men around you because of what? An article in a fancy magazine? Your therapist? Or did you really think you were protected with them?”

I blink, and a smile tugs at his lips.

“You thought they were safe?” he asks, and I nod.

“They were the opposite of safe, baby.”

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