Page 4 of Wife Number One

I dropped to my knees on the floor, resting my elbows on the bed and steepled my hands in front of my face. “Lord, forgive me for the greed that consumes me. Forgive me for speaking out of turn. Forgive me for the disrespect I’ve shown my husband…”

The list of my wrongdoings fell from my tongue, barely louder than a whisper. I repeated them, over and over, praying for forgiveness, and that my sins this morning wouldn’t taint yet another month of trying to conceive a child of God.

I kneeled there while everyone else gathered around the large kitchen table and food was handed out. My knees ached, pressed against the hard floorboards, while the clinking of cutlery and glasses drifted up the stairs, along with the happy family’s laughter.

A family I could join, if only I were a better woman. If only I could do the one thing the Lord asked of me.

The sun got higher outside my window and then began to head in the other direction, sinking toward night.

I stayed there on my knees.

Quiet. Meek. Obedient.

The perfect wife.

It was late afternoon when my bedroom door finally swung open and Josiah strode in.

I raised my gaze in time to catch him blink in confusion, like he’d completely forgotten he’d sent me here to repent for my sins.

“Have you been on your knees all day?” he asked.

“Yes, Josiah.”

He nodded in satisfaction, closing the door behind him. “The Lord is pleased with you.”

I doubted that, but I didn’t voice the thought out loud.

“Get up.”

I tried, but my legs protested the movement after being in one position for hours. My knees screamed in pain, collapsing beneath me when I tried to put weight on them. I hit the floorboards, groaning when I tried to straighten my legs through the stiffness that had developed in my joints.

Josiah grabbed my arm and yanked it hard. “I said, get up, Kara. Do you need to spend another day down on your knees praying?”

“No, Brother Josiah.” I tried again to get to my feet, but my knees just weren’t having it. I whimpered, failing again. Pins and needles shot through my legs from toe to thigh, and though my brain tried to force the limbs to work, they just wouldn’t. “I need a moment.”

Josiah’s glare turned dark. “It’s always about what you need, isn’t it? You need more food than anyone else. More time. More help. What about what I need?”

I dropped my gaze to the floor once more, knowing I was working him up and I needed to tread carefully, or all my hours of repentance would have been in vain. “What can I provide for you, Brother Josiah? Please. Anything. I’ll do it.”

He leaned down, sneering in my face. “The one thing I want from you, Kara, is the one thing you’ve never been able to give me. How hard is it? How hard is it to conceive a child? All the other women do it. And yet you continue to embarrass me. The wife I picked as my number one, proving over and over again how truly worthless she is. Are you trying to make a fool of me?”

I shook my head quickly. “Of course not.”

“Then explain to me how you can provide a bastard child to some other man, and yet when you are married, to a man the Lord has chosen as his prophet no less, you provide me nothing? The congregation laughs at me behind my back. You do realize that, don’t you? Every time they see that bastard child, they’re reminded you spread your legs for another man and grew his seed. And yet you cannot do the same for me.” His gaze darted around the room, landing on the small bedside table. He took three big steps toward it and yanked the top drawer open, rummaging through all my belongings. Not that I had many. A tattered book that had been read many times because there weren’t many other books available to me. Some paper and a few pens.

Finding nothing of interest, he stormed to my dresser, ripping out my clothes. The neatly folded garments piled up on the floor, until he whirled around, glaring at me again. “Where are they?”

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I didn’t dare say that.

Spittle formed at the corner of his mouth. “Are you deaf as well as dumb? I said, where are they?”

He left me no choice but to ask. “Where are what?”

“The pills! You stupid woman. The pills you take so you can’t get pregnant. You must have some in here somewhere.”

I blinked. “Pills?”

I knew I sounded like the dumb woman he accused me of being, but I had no pills. I knew such a thing existed in the outside world, but how I would get them here, I had no idea. Josiah kept us protected, never letting outsiders cross our fence lines without his escort. Children were thought of as the highest blessing a wife could give her husband. No woman here would deliberately try not to get pregnant. Or help another woman prevent conception.

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