Page 25 of Just Joshing
"Oh…my…god." I heard the horrified whisper behind me as I struggled to contain my giggles. My mother's finger nails dug into my arm as she stared at the stage, her face a picture of stunned dismay.
"-it will give men and women an insight into what their real sexual relationship could look like." My brother, Archer, continued to explain the intricacies of his new app.
The room, filled to capacity with friends, family, business colleagues and media, were dead silent as Archer walked us through each part of his invention. He'd partnered with a sex therapist to create what was essentially a sexualized version of Tinder. But instead of swiping based on a profile, the interested party would have to answer a series of relationship questions to see how compatible they would be. The final hurdle was an interactive tool which allowed the user to set a stimulation scenario. The scenario let the user choose how they liked to be pleasured in bed. If a potential partner met all their relationship compatibility, they unlocked the scenario. Those who received a seventy-percent or higher rating would be automatically matched.
"Now Kellie is going to demonstrate how to program the simulation."
The sex therapist stepped forward. Her dreadlocks were pulled back in an updo, a scarf the color of the app covered the front portion of her hair. Kellie flicked a graceful hand to the screen. "We have eighteen vulvas and twelve penis options to choose from."
My mother let out a distressed whimper, her fingers tightening on my arm. I tried to shake her off to no avail.
Kellie flicked through the simulation options. "The fundamental principles of OH are inclusivity and diversity. Are you can see, we've tried to include as many skin tones, shapes, ages and physical differences as possible. We're working with professionals in the sex industry to expand our options. We do this by only using individuals who we know participate in ethical pornography practices. We expect to have a further forty options by the end of the year."
I glanced around the room. The entire venue was silent, even the waiters were still, watching Kellie swipe thorough the vulvas.
"Now, I'm going to choose this vulva because it most closely resembles my own." She clicked one and a new screen opened.
"This little button down here will start recording. All you need to do is stimulate the area as if you were masturbating. Watch."
And that's how fifteen hundred people watched a woman jack-off a phone.
"Maleficent," my mother whispered, raising a hand to her throat. "I think I need to…" Her knees buckled.
"Mom!" I grabbed her, staggering under her weight. A man intervened, scooping her up.
"Josh?"
"Hey," he shifted my mother in his arms. "Let's move her outside."
We hurried through the venue, weaving around slack-jawed invitees all staring at the giant screens as a woman flicked her virtual bean.
"And you can include audio recordings, if you like, by pressing–"
In the lobby, we found a long seat, lying my mother down.
I flapped a program in her face while Josh went looking for help. My mother awoke a short time later.
"Oh," she fluttered, hands swinging about. "I'm so embarrassed!"
"Don't be. You probably just got overheated." I continued to wave the program.
"Not this!" She snapped, sitting up. "That!" She jerked a hand back at the doors. "Your brother. What on earth was he thinking?"
I felt a flush dust my cheeks even as I struggled to contain my laughter. "I guess he was looking to capitalize on the dating market."
"Call the car, Molly. I'm going home." She pushed to her feet, reaching a shaking hand up to clutch at her pearls. "I won't condone this… this… your brother!"
I bit the side of my cheek.
Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, don't-
I poured her into the car, closing the door with a wave, watching as Walter, her driver, merged into traffic.
"Well," a voice drawled behind me. "Tonight has certainly been… interesting."
I turned, catching sight of Josh's grin.
"Would you say," I struggled to get the word out. "Stimulating?"
