Page 9 of Just Joshing
Bess: OMG you can't bring your brother! Besides, he's already invited.
Bess: Just go to the event. It's been for-ev-aaaahhhh since you dated
I mean… truth. I'd decided to get back out there following their announcement, but between work, Bess' near constant demands, and the pit of hell that was Tinder, I just hadn't found the will to date.
Me: That's because I prefer fictional boyfriends to real ones
Bess: Your fictional boyfriends never gave you an orgasm…
Me: How do you know ??
Bess: OMG TMI!!! Are you going?
Me: Fine. Send me the deets. You owe me.
Bess: Yay!
An email notification appeared. I hesitated, finger hovering over the icon.
"Ice cream isn't going to cut it." I heaved myself off the couch intent on searching for hard liquor. My cupboard held a veritable selection of alcohol. I perused the offerings for a moment then settled on something to complement my ice cream. Kahlua seemed like the best option. I headed to my computer, ice cream tub in one hand, alcohol in the other. Settling at the desk, I mixed a shot into my ice cream, scooping up a large spoonful of the slurpy mess before opening the email.
Hello!
We're Speedy Singles™, New York's #1 Speed Dating Agency. Our goal is to help everyone find love.
I took a shot of Kahlua straight from the bottle.
You've signed up to our Speedy Service™. Congratulations for taking this brave step in your love journey!
Oh god, they used the word journey. This wasn't going to end well...
Bringing our unique blend of quality applicants, experienced matchmakers and high-quality venues, our Speedy Service™ option gives you the best start at finding love.
I looked down at the ice cream stained hoodie I'd thrown on. "Yeah, I'm totes a quality applicant." I chuckled to myself, scrolling back through the email.
On Saturday 15th, you and fifteen other Speedy Singles™ will be matched up in real time to the most compatible partners in a series of matched dates. Not sure if this is for you? Don't worry, we have a 98% success rate!
"Ninety-eight percent? Jesus. Who are these people? The desperate dateless? Do they feed them Viagra and love potions to achieve that?"
This night includes unlimited drinks, a round of tasty canapes and all your dates! We guarantee a great night.
"Thank god. Wine is the only way I'm getting through this."
After the dating is done, it's time for everyone in the room to chat over a drink – and maybe set up your next date ??.
All the details are below. Please ensure you fill out the attached questionnaire before Wednesday.
We look forward to seeing you there!
And remember, love can sometimes happen at first sight.
I looked at the bottle of Kahlua and the now empty tub. "There's no other option. I'm going to have to kill Bess."
I raised the bottle to my lips, taking another shot as I opened the quiz.
"Oh fuck."
It was one of those quizzes. You know, the type they only ask singles. The one where they ask you to describe your perfect date, how you'd raise your theoretical kids, and what you're really looking for in a man - like the answer isn't employed, single and has a functioning brain.
