Page 59 of Can We Just Be Happy Now?

On the Porter side of our joint backyard, Sophie’s dad, Jack, already has the grill fired up and lined with burgers. On our side, Mom has an entire table laid out like a bar. One end has red Solo cups, a few bottles of Smirnoff and Malibu and an ice-filled bowl of red, white and blue Jell-O shots. The other end has fruit salad and trail mix. There are two coolers beneath the table filled with beer and pink and yellow lemonade.

Our parents don’t mind if we have a little to drink as long as we don’t drive after, but I rarely take them up on the offer. I might have a few vodka Red Bulls later, though, since it’ll be a long night of Fourth of July games and fireworks. Soda works for now. I spot a can of regular and Ruby Red Squirt buried in the ice and reach for both.

Standing, I search the yard until I find who I’m looking for–the girl wearing a red sundress with her dirty blonde curls tied up in a blue bandana. Sophie and I have been in a good place since Thanksgiving and the football game. We haven’t spent any time just the two of us since we kissed at the stadium and have only hung out at family get-togethers. It’s not exactly how it used to be, but it’s fine for now. I realized it’s what I need to keep myself from staying hung up on her. When I reach her, her back is to me as she talks to her friend.

I wait until I catch Chastity’s gaze. “Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but I think you have something in your eye.” Sophie spins on her heel to face me and Chastity looks confused, wiping her thumb gently under her eye to avoid ruining her makeup. I grin. “Oh wait, it’s just a sparkle.”

Sophie deadpans, then slaps my arm. I swear I catch a hint of jealousy in her eyes, but I’m sure my ego is imagining that. “What?” I shrug.

Chastity giggles. “That was cute.” I don’t know her well, but I know she has four brothers and is comfortable with teasing. “If you don’t want him, I’ll take him,” she says to Sophie, not even trying to whisper.

“He’s not smooth at all,” Sophie responds as if I can’t hear them.

“Hey, I’m the funniest person I know,” I interject. She has a popsicle in one hand but accepts the soda I offer her with the other.

“Uh-huh.” Sophie rolls her eyes but can’t fight a smile.

The three of us glance up when Dean yells from where he stands in the grass on the other side of the yard. “Hey, who’s playing us?” He tosses a cornhole bag into the air and catches it. Marcus stands next to him.

“Dibs on Sophie,” I yell right as “I call Cooper” bursts out of her. Marcus and Dean simultaneously groan. Sophie and I grin as we each take a side. The two of us are so unbeatable together it’s rare anyone wants to play against us anymore. Dean must have had a lapse of judgment when he asked for competition.

Waiting for her first turn, Sophie sucks on her orange popsicle thirty feet from me. The memory of its taste triggers a slideshow of memories from every summer barbeque where the play between us was as innocent as the treat her perfect pink lips are wrapped around. It’s still that innocent, I tell myself as I toss the beanbag toward my teammate.

An hour later, Sophie and I have won three games in a row. When no one wanted to play against us anymore, we gave up the board. It felt like a blast from the past. “Come on.” I reach for Sophie’s hand, wanting to extend this moment we’re in. She looks around presumably for Chastity because when she sees her talking to someone by the grill, she links her fingers with mine, a warmth spreading through them I try to ignore.

She follows me to the edge of the yard and through the first two layers of trees to our spot. Standing in front of our pink and blue plastic tubing chairs, we take them in. They were cracked and faded before, but now they are covered in a layer of leaves and dust. It’s been almost a year since we’ve been out here together, and based on the state of our chairs, I’m surprised to see the bird feeder full. I drop her hand to brush the earth off our seats before dramatically collapsing in mine. Sophie takes a seat next to me, her head leaning against the back. “I miss you, Coop.” Sunshine chirps as if she agrees, and it gives me the impression that Sophie still comes out here on her own.

“I’m right here,” I say as if her words are literal, pulling my eyes from the yellow finch to the way her red sundress clings to her body.

“I know. I just miss this. Us.” She pauses. “Not relationship us. Just us,” she says more shyly like she’s afraid I’ll misinterpret or be upset.

I reach for her hand again, my thumb rubbing over hers. “I know what you mean. I think maybe you were right, though, that this was best for us.” She’s still convinced letting me experience college the “right way” was the correct decision. I try to make the most of it even though I’m not convinced this life is better than how the past year could have been with her.

“So, you’re happy?”

“As long as you’re in my life in some capacity, I’m good,” I lie.

Chapter thirty-six

SOPHIE

THEN

Relief rushes through me knowing Cooper is happy with my decision to break up. It feels weird to lie to him especially since we’ve never really kept secrets from each other, but I’m glad he can’t tell I miss him as a boyfriend. I’m not sure that would do any good in keeping up this friendship-adjacent relationship we’ve been managing. It’s challenging enough as it is. It’s easy to fall back into our familiar comfort around each other, but it's hard to not want more. Being alone with him right now feels like a bad idea as it is.

“We should get back to the party,” I say.

There’s a hesitation I’m definitely misreading. “Yeah.”

He stands, pulling me to my feet by my hands, but dropping them as soon as I’m up.

I’m not ready to miss him again. “Should we go see if everyone is ready for the egg toss?”

He finds his smile immediately. “Let’s do it, partner.”

“Where’s Chastity?” Cooper comes into view, even though the only thing lighting the backyard is the sporadic fireworks exploding in the sky a few neighborhoods over.

“She left to hang out with her family. Why are you over here?” After we won the egg toss, I forced myself to go find Chastity and spend time with her instead. I haven’t seen Cooper all evening. “Aren’t you in charge of our fireworks?” The boys always light them off from the street in front of our houses. They would probably let me help, but I’d rather watch.

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