Page 104 of Can We Just Be Happy Now?

So many thoughts flash through my head it's like white noise, fuzz I can’t sort through. “Umm.”

“That’s an excuse for someone who doesn’t want to commit.”

“Says the guy who wouldn’t make Maci his girlfriend.”

“I haven’t been with another girl since her.”

“Come on, Dean.” I pull my legs into a criss-cross on top of my board. “You’re telling me you didn’t find anyone else when you found out she had a new boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

Oh. I run through my decision, through every other guy I’ve let in who wasn’t Cooper. Ian on prom night. We just kissed, though. That wasn’t a big deal. And Cooper and I weren’t even really friends then. JT. Okay, that one got a little out of hand. I didn’t plan on him inserting himself into my life . . . and me. Logan . . . He can’t hold that against me. I thought he was taking Kylie home. I probably should have gotten confirmation on that first, though . . . it was right after I told him he’s it for me. But it didn’t look good. The guy on my birthday was just . . . it’s Cooper’s fault. He rejected me after I sent him that picture. And JT again . . . okay, there’s not an excuse for him.

“Trying to justify your decisions?” my brother asks. I want to bite back, but there’s no judgment in his tone. Only understanding. I nod. “Are they good enough? Are they worth making Cooper doubt how much you care about him?”

“No.” The word falls out of my mouth without so much as a second thought. I did this to us. Tears spring to my eyes, the pink and orange streaks of the sunset looking more like watercolor through my blurry vision.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Soph. Just giving you a new perspective. And did you ever consider that maybe him trying to control your situation is more him feeling like he has no power over your commitment to him?”

I did not consider that.

“I’m not saying all your logic is wrong. I just hope you can figure things out between you two before it’s too late.”

“If Cooper is the right one, he’ll be there for me no matter what, right?”

“I don’t know. I think it depends on what you do. At some point he’ll accept that you can’t fully commit and settle for someone who isn’t the one for him.”

“I just . . . I don’t know, Dean. Am I ready to be in a relationship for the rest of my life? How do I know if I’ll be able to give him what he needs? I’ve let him down so many times.”

“I’m willing to bet he probably just needs you.”

My stare is full of doubt.

“You two have loved each other for your entire lives already, despite everything. And that’s never changed, has it?”

I shake my head.

“And all your favorite memories, do they have Cooper in them?”

All the best parts of my life include him. I nod.

“Do you wish you could change anything about them?”

“No. Of course not.”

“So, why would you want to make the best memories with someone else when you could make them with your best friend instead?”

I stare blankly at my brother.

“Maci has no fucking clue how much I love her. She’s with someone else now, and I can’t even be mad about it. I can think we should be together all I want but it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know I feel that way, if she doesn’t feel I feel that way–or if enough time has passed that she’s given up on us. Now, I’ll never get to find out what forever with her could be like. Don’t you think it’s worth the risk of finding out you’re not meant to be if it could mean realizing you are?”

“Yeah, Cooper is worth the risk. He’s worth everything.”

“I think that’s your answer right there.”

“What if he doesn’t believe I’m serious? That this time will be different?”

“Then you do something different. Prove things will be different.”

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