Page 68 of The Trouble With Love

‘Kai,’ I began carefully, ‘why don’t we invite Eve over for Christmas?’

He even stopped breathing. Stood still in my embrace with his shoulders set. ‘What?’

‘You saw the place. She’s on her own, she’s not got much.’ And I wouldn’t tell him about the heart pills in the cupboard, her breathlessness, her swollen ankles. He’d just found her, if he thought he might lose her again soon, God knew what he’d do. ‘We could give her a great Christmas.’

‘Ah. Now you’re acting like I owe her something.’

‘Well, you do, sort of. She found you. Or, at least, she put the mechanism in place to find you, and now you know that she loves you. You weren’t just thrown away, Kai. Eve did what she thought was best for you. The only thing she could do. And, in that kitchen . . . the cupboard was nearly empty. And we’ve got each other. And besides,’ I swallowed. Wanting something for myself was harder than I’d thought. ‘I don’t want to spend Christmas on my own.’

‘Oh. Oh. Shit, sorry Holl! I didn’t even . . . oh shit.’ He dragged his fingers through his hair again, which made him look like a mad Rock God. ‘Stupid. I’m sorry.’ He pushed me away so that he could look in my face. ‘Told you I’m crap at this relationship thing. Never had to plan, see, no one’s ever wanted to be around long enough. And no one has ever wanted to spend Christmas with me, so I’ve always worked, gone somewhere where Christmas is meaningless. It helps,’ he added.

‘Hey, no going for the sympathy vote.’

A grin. ‘Sorry. Again. So, what, the whole nine yards? Tree, pudding, presents? Can you cook?’ A hot look. ‘And will you dress up as Santa?’

‘Only if you promise not to ravage me. Well, not while anyone is looking.’

‘Making no promises, Holl.’ We started to walk back to the car, not feeling the sleet or the cold wind any more. ‘Christ. Can’t believe it . . .’ He stopped, pulled me across and kissed me hard. ‘And my mother. Fuck. Starting to feel like a real person here. Talking of which . . .’ he stood back so that he could look me in the eye, ‘you’ve been doing some thinking of your own, haven’t you?’

Those yellow eyes were almost hypnotic when he did that straight stare. No wonder he was such a good journalist — with his empty silences and his stage-magician’s magnetic gaze. ‘I . . . sort of . . . when I was walking. How did you know?’ I gave him a suspicious frown. ‘You don’t read my mind as well, do you?’

He moved and pulled me tightly against him. I could feel his heartbeat, even and steady. ‘That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say “I don’t want” about something. First time you’ve ever dared really say what you feel?’

And my mind was suddenly full of Nicholas, frightened of the world, scared of its inconsistency and unpredictability. The need to keep him calm, to be the one stable thing in his terrifyingly unstable existence. ‘I . . .’

‘You need to let go, Holly.’ Kai’s words were coming from deep inside him, I could feel them, feel his heart speed up as he realised what he’d said. ‘Sometimes . . .’ he sighed, ‘sometimes shit just happens. No one’s fault, it just does. And the only way to truly get over stuff is to let go.’

‘Can you?’ My voice was a bit muffled by his jacket. ‘Let go?’

Another sigh. ‘She did what she thought was best. She didn’t know . . . Shit.’ One hand came away from my shoulder and raised, from the quick motion I guessed he was wiping his eyes. ‘I can try. I have to.’

I took a deep breath and shuffled myself a step back. Change position, change the subject. Change. ‘Having a real Christmas does mean you have to buy presents though. And a turkey. Not something that you’d have to do much in Afghanistan, I shouldn’t have thought.’

‘Ah. Didn’t think of that.’ He fussed with his jacket, raising his collar against the sleet, adjusting to the new topic, gladly, it seemed.

‘And a tree, and lights, and cards, and . . .’

‘All right, I’ll go to bloody Afghanistan, if that’s what you want!’ We looked at each other and grinned. ‘Are relationships always like this?’

‘Dunno. I’m not exactly Ask the Expert, am I? Going out with the kind of wanker who thought he was God’s gift to women because he stuck his arse out of the bed to fart does not make me fit to answer questions like that. And anyway, I’m still boggle-eyed by the fact that Eve is your mother. Talk about a dark horse. We all thought she’d got some grizzled old solicitor-chappie tucked away and that was what was making her all dewy-eyed. Turns out it was getting the news from the PI that you wanted her address.’

The Jeep was sitting alone in the car park. Everyone else had gone home, it was getting dark and the sleet was beginning to freeze. Kai started the engine and then sat, holding the wheel but making no attempt to drive away.

‘She — Eve, told her family she’d got a temporary job in Wales, came to Anglesey and stayed in a B&B so that no one would know. She gave birth sitting in a ditch and then wrapped me in some newspaper and left me where she knew someone would come along.’

‘It wasn’t because she didn’t love you,’ I said softly. ‘It was never that.’

‘I know. She had no one to help her, no one to support her and she didn’t dare tell her father . . . She kept my picture,’ his voice was wondering, ‘all these years, she kept my picture.’

‘And now her wish has come true.’ I smiled to myself. ‘Obliquely.’

‘What, like pillars?’

‘That would be funny if I didn’t know you had a bigger vocabulary than an entire set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.’

‘Let’s go home and I’ll show you what else I’ve got that’s bigger . . .’

‘You’re sex mad.’

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