Page 57 of The Trouble With Love

‘Why? Why is it so important?’

He stood up again now and began pacing around the kitchen, hands thrust into his pockets like he wanted to stop himself touching anything. ‘You and I. It’s . . . When you came to Leeds and you were there and I realised . . . everything is getting deeper than I’m used to. I’m not great at handling this kind of thing.’

‘You can say that again.’

A momentary look. ‘Yeah, coming from Ms Emotional Fluency. Look, Holl, I saw that guy grab you and I was terrified. I mean really, flat-out shitting myself. That means something to me, the fact that I was so scared for you, it showed me that I — well, goes without saying, Cerys, obviously, and probably the twins too but nothing like it was with Merion. Do you see?’

‘Obscure is your first language, isn’t it?’

He stopped and turned around slowly. His earring was tangled in his hair and for some reason I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it. ‘Something is happening, something big, something that feels like elastic stretching between us, snagging us, not letting us go. Something I’m bad at.’ Kai put both hands flat on the table and leaned towards me. ‘And I don’t like being bad at things.’

‘Yesterday I saw you talking to the Ginger Man outside, in the woods. I thought you were part of whatever it is that they’ve got going on.’ It came out way too fast, like I was ashamed of having thought it. Maybe I was, a little. ‘I thought, maybe, you’d set me up.’

He snapped back away from me like I’d hit him. ‘Jesus. God. You seriously thought I’d . . . Woah.’ He went back to the pacing, up and down the flagstoned floor like he was on rails. ‘This is hard to get my head round.’

‘I don’t think it any more.’ My voice was a bit feeble. ‘When you kicked in that door . . . I mean, after I knew it was you, I realised you couldn’t have.’

‘Not just couldn’t, Holly.’ Kai spun on his heel at the furthest extent of his travel and headed back. ‘Wouldn’t. Jeez, woman, I know I’m a journalist but I do have some scruples. Is that why you wouldn’t stay last night? Because you thought I couldn’t be trusted?’

‘No. I don’t know.’ But I did know. Knew that, all along, Kai had been my ally. That I’d used my trumped-up suspicion of his meeting to try to keep him at arm’s length, because I was afraid of letting myself get close.

‘I’ve been trying to work my way in, yes, trying to get them to trust me. I need . . . I want to blow their whole operation open, so I’ve been trying to get on the inside.’ He closed his eyes and rocked his weight from side to side. ‘The job has come first with me for so long. I should have told you, I should have explained, but I don’t know how to do it. I want you’ — he held up one hand, palm up — ‘and then there’s work.’ He held up the other hand. ‘And I don’t know how to run it all together. I’ve never had to. You’re the first.’ He took one step closer. ‘You’re the first, Holly,’ he whispered.

‘You,’ I started, but my mouth had gone dry. I licked my lips and saw his eyes follow my tongue. ‘So you’re investigating those guys?’

‘It’s drugs, Holly. Okay, yeah, so maybe I used to drink too much, used alcohol to block stuff out and make life a bit easier, but not drugs. Never drugs. I know what they do to you, I’ve seen . . . And these guys . . . they’re running a nice little operation, preying on people in the towns around here; the desperate, the poor, people with no hope. They’re shipping the drugs in and then cutting them down so far that they make a huge profit and . . . I can’t stand back and let it happen. They don’t know I’m a journalist, they see the image and they reckon . . . they think I’m a big time dealer. I’ve told them I can cut them in on some deals in the city, stuff that will make big money rather than selling to the underbelly of North Yorkshire, and they’re all over it.’ Kai cleared his throat and looked away from my mouth. ‘I tried to warn you off, Holly. Didn’t want you getting mixed up in any of this shit.’

‘I could go to the police and tell them that one of these blokes threatened me with a gun and locked me in a shed.’

‘But there were no witnesses.’ Kai looked a lot happier to be talking solid facts rather than wading about knee-deep in emotions. ‘Your word against his. And they’ve got friends, people who would warn you off ever pressing charges with more than a threat of violence. His name’s Andy, incidentally. Ex-military.’

‘Why would anyone believe him over me?’

Kai stared at his hands. ‘They’ve got stuff on you. Pictures of you and your friends doing “magic”. They’ve probably Photoshopped the Devil in by now too, all prepared to use it against you. Proof that you’ve been up to no good in the woods, that you might want to get them locked up to keep the woods to yourselves.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yep.’

‘Why do you do it, Kai? Why not stick to reporting on celebrities and digging the dirt on facelift clinics and stuff like that?’

Kai straightened up suddenly and I had to tilt my head back to keep watching his face. ‘The way I grew up, Holly, I saw a lot of good people go to waste. Losing their chances and their hopes and eventually losing themselves . . . and I fucking hate it. Don’t blame them, for some people there’s nothing else, no real life, nothing to look forward to, why not take something that makes it all easier, let it all go over your head? But it’s the bastards that get behind it, the ones that make all the money, those are the ones I want to bring down, anyone who’s caused that kind of misery, the ones that make their millions on the back of others with no future. The ones that make sure it stays that way, the ones that top up the sales pool every so often with some free samples or cut price deals; the bastards that laugh and take the money . . . Does any of that make sense? I’m sorry, I tend to get a bit soapboxy when I talk about work.’

‘No. You’re . . . I think it’s great.’

‘Really?’ Kai leaned back, propping his body against his arms. I tried not to look at the muscles working under the skin, or the way his tight T-shirt gave definition to his chest. ‘Most women find it a bit freaky that I hang around with people on the edge of the law.’ Thoughtfully he reached his arms above his head in a long stretch, curving slightly backwards until his hair brushed his shoulder blades. It made him look like an erotic statue and then the thought struck me that he was posing for my benefit. I dragged my eyes away, protesting madly, and stared at the surface of my tea instead. It wasn’t nearly so interesting, but it kept my blood pressure within European-legal limits.

‘So you’re trying to catch this lot in the act?’ I said, to the table.

‘Yeah. But I wanted them to stop hassling you, which is why I tried to talk to Michael. To persuade them to leave you alone.’ He came back over to where I had to look at him. ‘I didn’t think I was giving them ammunition. I was a jerk.’

‘A journalist.’

‘Not quite synonymous, but I see where you’re going with it.’

‘No, I mean, you were doing your job. Doing what you thought was right.’

He put both hands on my shoulders and his thumbs caressed my neck. ‘Thanks for the justification, Holl, but it wasn’t right. I should have told you what was going on.’ I let the subtle movement of his fingers relax me a fraction. ‘I haven’t learned to balance it, work and—’ His fingers stilled. ‘Like I said, you’re the first.’ There was a sudden slowing of the world, even the dust hanging in the air between us stopped moving. My heart seemed to beat half-time. ‘Holly. I think there’s something going on here. Something I don’t think I’ve ever been in the right place for before. I see you and how you are with Nick and something inside me just kind of . . . vibrates.’ He put one hand out. It was shaking. ‘I’m falling, Holly.’ Through treacle-thick air he swam towards me.

---