Page 50 of The Trouble With Love

‘It’s all right, I can handle Aiden.’

‘I don’t think you understand.’ Kai looked down at the packed snow by his feet. ‘I’d like you to stay. Here. With me.’

Despite it all, there was still a little jump inside me at the thought of staying, a momentary hotness that welled through me thinking of his rangy body stretched out next to mine, the touch of his fingers across my body. ‘Thanks for the offer, Kai, but I’d really like to go home now. And you’re going to have to get into town to pick up some supplies for the twins — Cerys only has enough newborn nappies for a couple of changes each.’

‘Holly?’ He closed the remaining snowy space between us. ‘Are you okay? You look very pale.’ He reached out gently and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Or at least he tried, my hair was damp with melting snow and fell back out again.

‘Just a bit shaken. I’ve never delivered a baby before.’ I tried a smile which I think might have looked a bit scary from the outside. ‘And there’s Nicholas, I mean, he can’t move in here with you, he’d be swapping a dependence on me for one on you. And he’ll need to get to the doctor’s to get checked over after that episode the other day.’ I felt rather proud of that rationalisation.

‘Suppose.’ But he didn’t move. Just stood, staring down at me from his lean height, eyes assessing me with a cool, yellow gaze. ‘All right,’ he said at last, ‘if you’re sure.’

‘If you drop me in town I’ll pop to the garage and tell them about my car. They’ll have to tow it in, I guess, and I’ll have to sort out a rental in the meantime. I need that car for work.’

‘Hey, you can always call me if you need transport.’

‘Thanks.’

We stood a bit longer in the snow. Away in the woods a bird began to sing into the clear air and an overloaded branch snapped with a crack like a leg break. ‘Holly.’ Kai put a finger under my chin and tipped it, forcing my eyes up to meet his. ‘This isn’t the end, you know that don’t you?’

‘What?’ I couldn’t look away from that tawny stare, whether it was the peculiarity of colouring or something in the way he touched me, I was stuck, fixed in the amber of his intensity.

‘When Cerys goes back to Peterborough, I’m not going to stop wanting to see you.’ He’d come right in close now, face bent to mine, almost touching my lips with his. ‘Not going to stop wanting you.’ His breath was warm against my frozen cheek, I couldn’t tell if I was still breathing, couldn’t tell if my heart still beat — in that moment I didn’t care that he hadn’t told me about his association with Ginger man — I wanted him to kiss me. My whole body was pulling forward, straining against my bones to try to get closer to him.

‘Kai . . .’ I ached all over with the loss of the innocence I’d had earlier. Now I knew he wasn’t the superficially happy, deep-feeling guy I’d met, he was some dark stranger of the kind my mother would have warned me about if she hadn’t been so busy telling me dire tales of childbearing. He was made of secrets and lies and there was so much behind that strange stare that I couldn’t even guess at.

‘Yeah, you’re right. Better get the Jeep fired up. Don’t want to have to try to navigate our way out of the woods in the dark, not when there’s trees down all over the place.’ Kai let me go, a casual finger brushing down my cheek as he did so, touching my lips before he stuffed both hands into his pockets, hunched his shoulders and yanked open the garage doors. ‘If you’re sure you won’t stay?’

Now was my chance to back down, to fall into his arms, his bed, his eyes. I could just sleep with him, couldn’t I? I mean, it wouldn’t mean anything. His body had that alluring hardness to it, he had a great face, good muscles and I could imagine lying underneath him in the dark, feeling his hair stroking me, his fingers teasing me . . .

Hold on. Shut up. Aside from the fact that he was fraternising with men that even he had warned me off, I didn’t know what I wanted from Kai. I mean, yes, the sex was almost certain to be an all-night sensation, but. He wanted something more. Wanted me, all of me, and . . .well, there was Nicholas to think of and . . .

No. This minnow was staying well clear of the sharks, thank you very much.

‘Yeah. I’m sure.’

‘I’ll go get the keys then.’ With a shrug he turned for the house. ‘Oh, I’ll tell Cerys you’ll be round tomorrow, will I?’

‘I . . .’ I wanted to say no, but then I had a rethink. ‘Yeah. I’ve got to come over anyway. I told Vivienne I’d get rid of the evidence up on the hill.’

There was the briefest change in his stride there. If I hadn’t been looking for it I wouldn’t have seen, but he’d almost stumbled. ‘Holly, I’ve told you, it’s dangerous up there.’

‘I’ll be fine. I’ll go as it’s getting light, really early so no one will see me. I have to collect the candles and stuff. The snow should have just buried them where we left them, so I’ll only have to dig for a bit. Won’t take me five minutes.’

He looked as though he was going to say something else, half turning towards me with a peculiarly intent look on his face, but he must have thought better of it because he swung away again without saying anything else. I watched his long stride head towards the Lodge and wondered to myself, where do you really stand, Mr Rhys, with the woman you say you want, or the man you pretend to hate?

In the Jeep, Nicholas bounced and chattered, filling the silence that had fallen between Kai and I, and it was the first time I’d ever been grateful for my brother’s condition. I sat, head turned, the view spooling past unregistered as I wondered about my reaction to Kai. About what the hell was going on with him that made me want to kiss him and at the same time be a very long way away. About why I could feel his body heat despite the chasm between us, and why nothing felt the same any more.

The Jeep jerked around a corner and I saw his reflection in the window glass glance my way and open his mouth as though to speak, think better of it and switch his gaze back to the road, as Nicholas’s monologue branched off and became random. I half listened to my brother spilling words to some story that had no beginning and no end, found myself judging his tone to see whether he was spiralling up or down, biting my tongue so that I didn’t say anything that he might take as criticism or anger — a reaction so permanent that I hardly even felt myself do it any more. What had once been a conscious, thoughtful consequence had become second nature . . . when had that happened?

The car had stopped and Kai was waiting, engine ticking. ‘Right, Malton garage. This is your stop,’ he said, as though he was repeating himself. ‘Holly?’

‘I . . .’ I shook my head. Nicholas had already bounced down onto the pavement, still talking and I bit down hard on my inner self for wanting to shout ‘shut up and let me say goodbye’. ‘Thank you for driving us back.’

‘You seemed to think it was important.’ He was looking over his shoulder, judging the oncoming traffic, not meeting my eye. ‘I’ll maybe see you.’

And as he dropped the clutch and manoeuvred the big car out into the road, I wanted to shout after it, something that would fetch him back, but any words that came to mind felt second-hand and meaningless.

Chapter Nineteen

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