Page 35 of The Trouble With Love

‘Yeah. Why? Demonstrably he doesn’t always take them, but that’s up to him, isn’t it? Surely, by checking up on him all the time and mummying him, he’s never having to rely on himself for anything.’ She looked at Nicholas. ‘Do you often not take your drugs?’

‘Not . . . really.’ Nicholas swallowed the last of the toast and began picking at the table top. ‘I mean, sometimes I don’t take them because . . . well, just because. But it’s nice, really it is, Cerys. When things get bad it’s scary and I can’t . . . can’t always see my way out. Holly talks to me and makes sure I don’t do anything stupid.’

Cerys looked triumphant. ‘Well, don’t you think that might be the reason you can’t get a girlfriend? Because the role is already taken by your sister? And, I notice, we’ve just been talking about you and you haven’t even thought to say “oy, I’m sitting right here, you know”.’

‘It’s nice here,’ Nicholas suddenly announced. ‘It’s like real life.’

‘Doesn’t get much realer than this,’ Kai agreed. ‘I’m off to Leeds. Anyone coming? Cerys?’

‘Oh God, no. I can’t bear the thought of having to sit down for an hour. Anyway, Nicholas and I have decided to watch Jeremy Kyle and heckle, haven’t we?’

Nick slipped down off his stool. His borrowed T-shirt hung nearly to his knees and made him look about seven. ‘Yep.’

Kai looked at me. ‘Holly? Trip to Leeds?’

‘I ought to get home and get some contracts in the post.’ Then I thought of Aiden, lurking around my house with his laptop full of wedding lists. ‘Although I probably could take some time off.’

‘And I’d like the company.’ He stretched and I tried not to notice his flat stomach become visible at the gap between jeans and shirt. ‘We’ll be back by lunchtime. Anything happens . . .’

‘Yeah, yeah, I’ll call the hospital. Don’t worry, Nicholas can take care of me.’ Cerys put her arm through my brother’s. ‘We’ll spend the day in front of the TV yelling at the white trash, okay?’

Nick gave her a look that only fell a little short of adulation. ‘I’ve never watched Jeremy Kyle before. I haven’t got a television,’ he said.

‘Oh, you’re in for a treat then.’ She dragged him through to the living room, leaving Kai and I standing together in the kitchen.

‘Do you really think I mother him?’

Kai shrugged. ‘Honestly? Yes, I do. And I notice that you modify your behaviour around him. How long’s that been going on?’

‘You and Cerys don’t understand how he can be. He needs someone to make sure he pays his rent and gets to the hospital for check-ups and stuff. Otherwise he’d float along, and then he’d have one of his bad days and . . .’ I shuddered. ‘And he doesn’t like confrontation, or shouting,’ I finished.

Kai pulled the battered old jacket on. ‘Have you ever thought about what it’s doing to you?’

I stopped, caught in the act of licking crumbs off my moistened finger. ‘To me? It isn’t doing anything to me. I’m just helping my brother to cope, that’s all.’

He made a complicated face, raised eyebrows and twisted mouth, all without meeting my eye as he did up the jacket. ‘You seem very good at not showing emotion, and I’d guess he’s trained you into that. Even when . . . remember when that guy fired over your head? When I turned up you were obviously shocked stupid and halfway to screaming hysterics, but you wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t break down, even though it was only Cerys and me there, and we wouldn’t have minded. You force yourself not to show anything in case Nick gets upset, and suppressing feelings like that isn’t good.’ Another twisted mouth. ‘Trust me on that one.’

‘All right, Freud.’

‘I’m serious, Holly. You look after Nick at the expense of yourself, and that’s wrong.’

I pulled my shoulders up around my ears, felt the ever-present tension down my spine. ‘He needs me.’

‘Have you ever given him the chance to cope alone?’

I stared at him. ‘What, you mean cut him adrift?’

‘No, no. I mean keep a watching brief from a distance. Check up on him, by all means, but do it over the phone, or meet up every few days. You see him every day at the moment, don’t you?’

I shrugged. ‘Mostly.’

‘Well, like Cerys says, maybe that’s stopping him from taking responsibility for himself.’ He held up a hand to forestall my complaint. ‘It’s okay, Holl, I know. He’s genuinely ill, he can’t and shouldn’t be expected to function like everyone else. But there are support networks you know, for people like Nicholas, it doesn’t all have to fall on your shoulders, and maybe letting other people take over a bit will help him too. They can guide him into more independent living and thinking, so that he stops expecting you to pre-empt his moods and troubles.’ He stood still, hands on the worktop. ‘Although, of course, it would mean that you’d lose your excuse.’

‘What are you on about now?’ He had his back to me so he couldn’t see my carefully prepared expression.

‘You know.’

‘Do I? God, I’m doing a good job of not letting myself in on my own thoughts.’

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