Page 26 of The Trouble With Love

‘As you say.’ He smiled gravely. ‘Still working on the fine details.’

‘Well.’ I sat up, trying not to let my inner confusion show. ‘At least something has been resolved. God, I know I wished for excitement, but it could have been a bit more . . .’

‘You wished for what?’ He grabbed the change of topic and ran with it. ‘Is this part of that spell thing you were making?’

Cautiously, waiting for the laughter, I told him about our wishes. ‘Mine was for excitement. And, you have to admit, that was pretty exciting. So, maybe, that was my part of the spell working out for me.’

‘It was really that exciting?’ Kai propped himself up on one elbow. ‘God. You should see me on a good day.’ His legs stretched over the side of the bed and he was up, standing beside me, looking down. ‘Come on.’

‘That bastard streak really does run wide in you, doesn’t it?’ I complained, but I’d felt it too, our moment of closeness was over.

‘It wouldn’t be right, Holly. I think you felt it too, didn’t you? That whatever we did here, it was never going to be enough to stop . . .’ he cupped his hands over his eyes and bent his head into them for a second. ‘When . . . just as I kissed you I saw your expression . . . You haven’t always wanted it either, have you? You’ve gone along with it, played along with men . . . blocking stuff out. Hiding from the hurt but never managing to connect . . . and I don’t want that from you. Not just to block out something . . .’ He stopped talking and turned his face as he let his hands fall. ‘I didn’t want that,’ he finished.

‘Unfinished business,’ I said, trying to lighten the mood and swinging up to stand next to him. ‘Well known for causing impotence.’

‘Cheeky mare.’ He leaned past me to turn on the lamp, but carefully avoided touching me. ‘Did I feel impotent to you?’

I didn’t dare look at him. He’d felt anything but impotent pressed against me on that bed, and I was beginning to feel a touch ashamed of my response. Why, though? He’d been offering, I’d been willing . . . hadn’t I? I hesitated a moment, driven by an impulse that was strange to me and then touched his arm. Not for the sake of touching, not to try to rekindle his interest in my body, but simply as a gesture of support, an attempt to comfort. ‘Kai . . . it will be all right. Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you.’

This time he looked at me and I saw his eyebrows rise. ‘You’ve got a lot of faith in me for a woman who hardly knows me, haven’t you?’

‘You seem to have made the right choices so far. Just don’t let fear make you jump the wrong way this time.’

He gave a ragged laugh. ‘Right choices? Yeah, that’ll be why I’m sitting here in a house that looks like Aleister Crowley’s weekend retreat pouring my heart out to a woman I’ve just met who has every right not to give a tuppenny shit about my life.’ His voice was low and bitter. ‘Right choices all down the line, Holly.’

I had to lift the mood. I knew how it worked, this kind of thing, and it circled downwards into scariness really quickly. Had to make a joke . . . ‘Anyway, maybe you can get it up but you can’t use it.’

I moved past him to get to the doorway, flinging the door open to surprise Cerys, about to knock.

‘I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,’ she said. ‘In fact, I’m going in for hypnosis tomorrow to get it wiped from my mind. Holly, your mobile’s been ringing and ringing down here, on and off for the last twenty minutes.’ She held out my phone. ‘If someone’s that desperate . . .’

‘Probably Megan, calling from work to tell me British Home Stores has got a special on cushions again,’ I said, looking through my Missed Call record. ‘I’ve got no idea why she thinks I’d be interested.’

But it was my parents’ number, in Aberdeen. I dialled it, and my mother answered immediately. ‘Holly! You’re there.’

‘Well, actually I’m over here,’ I said jokingly, but worried by her tone. ‘What’s up, Ma?’

Cerys and Kai looked at one another. He shook his head gently at her, I couldn’t guess what she’d been about to say.

‘Is Nicholas with you?’

‘No.’ Ridiculous, I know, but I looked around in case he might have been. ‘He’s with you. Isn’t he?’

‘He . . . he’s stopped taking his medication. Yesterday he got a bit . . . oh, Holly, it was bad.’

I stared at the phone. Stopped? But he’d been so settled, so happy on them. ‘Are you sure he’s not . . . forgotten or something?’

‘He’d been fine up until the day before yesterday. Then he just seemed to . . . have one of his moments, you know how he gets overexcited about things, a bit . . . silly. Anyway, he and your Dad had . . . words last night, and he went off. I thought he’d come in later and gone to bed, and we were out all day today. I thought he was sulking, you know how he can be, but when I went to call him for tea, he wasn’t there, and then I thought . . .’ her voice wavered. ‘His mobile is switched off. I thought he’d be with you.’

I couldn’t get my head around this. Nicholas definitely had enough meds with him, so why would he stop taking them, just like that? I mean, usually I phoned him or saw him every morning to check that he’d taken everything, but, surely, Mum would have made sure while he was up there . . . ? I had a moment of cold guilt. I’d virtually forgotten about Nicky while he’d been away; out of sight, out of mind . . .

‘He might be trying to get here, Ma. I’ll go and look in the usual places, don’t worry. He’ll probably be in in half an hour, starving hungry and terrified of the dark, if not with you then with me.’

I reassured her several times that Nicholas, even on one of his worst days, could manage to transport himself safely, then hung up. Cerys and Kai were watching me and they followed me down the stairs to the kitchen.

‘I’ll go and drive around,’ Kai said. ‘Do the local train station and the bus station and then try York. Cerys, you co-ordinate.’

‘I can’t ask you to do that.’ I dragged my still-damp coat from the back of the chair where it had been steaming gently in front of the fire. ‘It will be fine, he . . .’ I swallowed the terrified lump in my throat. ‘I can find him.’

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