Page 56 of Blaze of Our Lives

“Do you always have to be a dick?” I asked.

She clearly had to think about it for a minute as the silence was long. “Yes. I’m always a dick to some degree.”

“At least you’re honest.”

She blew a loud raspberry. “I didn’t used to be honest. I don’t know what the fuck is happening to me. It’s appalling.”

I just smiled. She’d figure it all out eventually. Change was hard. Her change was going to be seriously difficult. She’d been a horror for a long, long time. However, she wasn’t all to blame. Yes, her choices and actions had been her own. But the catalyst had been lit by the Higher Power, who was a gaping asshole in my estimation.

I was ready to find It. It had messed with us for too long, and it was time to end that chapter.

“Ready?”

“Born that way,” Pandora replied evenly. “However, leave the torch here. It would suck to show up in the capital of Snoz with third-degree burns.”

“Roger that.”

The fall wasn’t painful. It went on for a while, but it didn’t hurt. The landing was abrupt. I was suddenly seated at a cartoonishly long table draped with a white silk tablecloth trimmed in red hearts. A chandelier made of crystal tea ups floated over the table. There were mismatched teapots and tiered petit four stands filled with colorful and bright cakes, tarts, cookies, pies and every kind of sweet imaginable. As a matter of fact, the table was so loaded down with food that it sagged in the middle. All of it was plated artistically and looked delicious. After eating shitty mud, they looked like slices of heaven.

A cat who resembled the Grim Reaper sat to the left of me and sipped milk tea from a saucer. In the seat to my right, a rabbit in a mailman uniform who bore a striking resemblance to Tim, nibbled on a cake that looked like it had been made with Vienna sausages and frosted with pimento cheese. Ick. Just beyond him was a crazy-looking man with a huge hat who looked suspiciously like Candy Vargo. He stirred his tea with a toothpick. And, finally, sitting at the head of the table was Shaun Cassidy, dressed as the Queen of Hearts.

“Welcome to the capital of Snoz!” Shaun Cassidy said grandly, adjusting his crown and dress. His voice was pitched high and was squeaky. It wasn’t anything like the real Shaun Cassidy’s voice. He looked like him, but it definitely wasn’t him. “Please, partake in this feast I’ve arranged in your honor.”

Idly, I wondered if munchkins had made all the sweet confections. It didn’t matter. What did matter was that I was finally in the presence of the Higher Power.

“I’m good,” I told him.

“What is your name, lonely girl?” he crooned.

I raised a brow. The dummy knew my name. I was sure of it. However, if he wanted to play games, I was all in.

“My name is Bitch Goddess Cecily. What’s yours?”

The guests at the table gasped in horror. Shaun Cassidy turned an unattractive blood red and fanned himself with a starched white hanky.

“Oh my goodness! My goodness!” the White Rabbit, who looked like Tim but wasn’t, fretted. “So inappropriate. So very inappropriate.”

“It’s fine,” Shaun Cassidy said, patting the White Rabbit’s hand. “While my feelings are deeply hurt, we mustn’t be rude to our honored guest.” He turned to me and gave me his best cover-of-Tiger-Beat smile. “I am Shaun Cassidy. I’m also known as the Wizard of Snoz, the Queen of Hearts, and if you know me well, McHottie. Do you believe in magic?”

Of course, I believed in magic, but this whole scenario still felt like I was still playing the game. I had thought that once we got through the Survivor crap, I’d have an audience with the Higher Power to state my case, but it looked like I was going to have to jump through more rabbit holes.

“What the hell is going on?” Pandora hissed. “Am I totally wasted, or are these people batshit crazy?”

Glancing around, I checked to see if anyone could hear her. It didn’t seem that way. I was surprised that the Higher Power couldn’t hear her. Maybe the Higher Power wasn’t all that and a bag of chips after all.

“Number two,” I told Pandora.

The Cheshire Cat stood up and pointed to the door. “If you need the bathroom, it’s down the hall and to the left.”

“I don’t need the bathroom,” I told him. It was wild how much he looked like Gideon. I knew it wasn’t him, but it was strange nonetheless.

“But you said number two,” he stated, perplexed. “Here in Snoz, number two means bowel movement.”

“Oh,” I said, trying so hard not to laugh. I failed. “No, I have a split personality, and I was talking to her.”

“How interesting,” the White Rabbit said. “And does your split personality have a name?”

I glanced over at Shaun Cassidy to see if he knew who I was talking about. He looked clueless. Something was off.

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