Page 21 of Blaze of Our Lives

It was clear that I’d internalized Pandora’s description of true beauty before our arrival. When I got her out of me, and I would, I was going to knock her out. This was creepy. Keeping Heather’s advice in mind, I refrained from going back to any of the dark stuff.

“There are munchkins,” I told her. She shrieked with joy. “Zip it. They have fucking fangs. Also, there’s some lady driving toward us in a golf cart.”

“Are you still stoned?” she questioned.

“Possibly,” I replied. “However, pot doesn’t make me hallucinate. It makes me hungry.”

“Eat one of the houses,” Pandora suggested.

It wasn’t a bad plan. I hadn’t eaten anything before we’d left. Tim’s casserole had looked and smelled disgusting. However, I was pretty sure the munchkins wouldn’t be thrilled if I ate their homes. If they became my enemy and I had to kill them over and over, I’d feel terrible. Aside from the fangs, they were cute. The tiny trucker hats were hilarious.

“No can do,” I told my travelling companion. “I don’t think Brad Pitt and Dolly Parton would like that.”

“What are you talking about?” she demanded.

“Forget it,” I replied quickly. “Incoming golf cart. Keep your mouth shut in case she can hear you.”

“If you insist.”

“I insist.”

The golf cart sped down the green brick road at about twenty miles an hour. The woman drove erratically, taking out lollipop trees and lemon drop bushes. The munchkins ducked behind a brown rock wall that I was sure was made of chocolate. My stomach rumbled.

“You really should eat the house,” Pandora repeated.

“You really should shut your cake-hole.”

The fanged munchkins taking cover didn’t bode well for the driver of the golf cart being friendly. Fine. Whatever. This was my dream state. If I had to take on a shitty and possibly drunk driver, I would. I’d already taken on Demons six times her size.

Standing my ground with my chin held high, I waited to see what was going to happen. The woman wasn’t familiar to me in any way. If she was someone from my experience or my memory, I couldn’t place her.

“What are youse doin’ here?” she shouted as she crashed the cart into a gingerbread house.

The house came down in big delicious chunks. The little gal hopped out of the golf cart, ignoring that she’d just demolished the structure. The munchkins chattered furiously from behind their chocolate barrier but didn’t make a move in my direction. Note to self: Don’t eat their houses.

The woman stood about four-foot-nothing and had a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and another one in her hand. Her red hair was definitely from a bottle, and it was fried and brittle. I ached to magically whip up a bottle of conditioner and hand it to her but didn’t dare. Her voice was gravelly and damaged from smoking. Little Red also sounded like she hailed from New Jersey. She had a wise guy vibe going on.

“Youse hear me?” she grumbled as she marched over. “Dis ain’t no place for wimpy assed pussies.”

Pandora laughed. Loud. Red gaped at me.

“Youse think dats funny?” Her little body quivered with rage.

“NO!” I slapped myself in the face, then with the heel of my left combat boot I crunched the toe of my right. It hurt like hell, but Pandora’s shriek of pain was music to my ears. I pretended to scream when she did so Red wouldn’t get more suspicious than she already was.

“Umm… no. Absolutely not. Not funny. I laugh sometimes when I get nervous,” I explained. “You know, when you’re at a funeral and umm… Well, more like when Mary Tyler More was at Chuckles the Clown’s funeral and …” I stopped speaking. Red was staring at me like I was missing most of my brain cells. She might not be wrong.

“Youse musta got dropped on your head a lot as a baby,” she surmised.

I just nodded.

“Anyhoos, I’m Phyllis. I like NASCAR, puppies, kitties and smokin’. Youse?”

“I’m Cecily. I like food and umm… my friends. Puppies and kitties are nice even though I don’t own one. I don’t smoke, but I occasionally indulge in the gummy version of the Devil’s Lettuce.”

“Oh my God,” Pandora muttered under her breath.

Thankfully, Phyllis didn’t hear her. I wasn’t up for maiming myself again. My foot was still throbbing.

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