Page 24 of Blaze of Our Lives

“You’re not going to go far as a Demon Goddess with that attitude.”

“Trust me, I’ve accomplished more in a few weeks than you have in billions of years,” I informed her. “Even your own people have deserted you.”

“Eternity is a long time,” she hissed. “They will come back to me.”

“Whatever you say. If you have the right questions, lay them out. If not, keep your trap shut,” I told her. “We don’t have the time to debate your friendless pitiful life. Quite honestly, I’d rather disembowel you and shove your entrails down your throat.”

“There’s the fighting spirit! Much more befitting of a Goddess of the Darkness!”

She was batshit. I’d just threatened her with bodily harm and she was delighted. I didn’t understand Pandora yesterday. I didn’t understand her today. I highly doubted I’d ever understand her.

“Questions?” I insisted.

“One—ask them if they plan to kill you. It’s good to know what you’re up against. From what I can hear, they don’t seem too bright. That’s to our advantage. Two—ask them which direction to go. Inform the munchkins if they mislead you, you will eat them. Three—find out if they’re going to follow us. If they plan on coming along, I’d suggest muzzling them. They’re loud and annoying as fuck. They could also expose us to the enemy. Four—discern if they can fight, especially if they plan to join us. If they can, great. If not, play a game of Hide and Seek. When they’re hiding, make your getaway. Five—make sure we’re on the correct fucking plane. My guess is that we are, but you’re an idiot, so make certain. Six—if you brought your cell phone, take a selfie with the munchkins. I’m dying to see what they look like.”

Strangely enough, I did have my cell phone. I had no clue if it would work on this plane, but it would be interesting to document the debacle. Pandora’s questions were excellent. The extras were absurd. I wasn’t going to eat them or muzzle them. Going anywhere near their fangs was a hard no. Hide and Seek was brilliant. I would take the Demon’s advice, but I would do it my way.

“Okay, people,” I shouted over the chattering. “I’ve neglected my manners. My name is Bitch Goddess Cecily.”

The cheering was loud… and piercing. They chanted my name for a good five minutes before they wore themselves out.

“Alrighty then. I’ve come to your plane to seek guidance from the Higher Power. Quick question, does the Higher Power live here?”

“If you’re talking about Shaun Cassidy, then yes!” the Brads shouted.

“Mmmkay,” I said, unsure how to proceed. “Shaun Cassidy… like Shaun Cassidy the pop star?”

“YES!” the Dollys yelled.

My ears were going to bleed soon. “Great. How about we use our indoor voices?”

“How about you electrocute them?” Pandora chimed in.

I ignored her and hoped for the best. Following my gut had worked in the past. My gut said we were in the right place. It was my dream state. My desire was to go to the Higher Power’s plane. Therefore, I was on the Higher Power’s plane. Although, you’d be able to knock me over with a feather if Shaun Cassidy turned out to be the Higher Power. “Moving on. I need to know if you plan on killing me.”

“Oh, no! You’re our new leader!” the Clarks burst out. Apparently, they didn’t understand the concept of indoor voice. “Frankly, my dear, we will honor you and make passionate love to you every day!”

“Jesus,” Pandora muttered with a laugh. “You’re screwed, Bitch Goddess Cecily. Literally.”

“Shut up,” I hissed under my breath. The physics of making anything with the munchkins was mind-boggling and gross. I turned my attention back to the Clarks. “That will not be necessary. In fact, if you try, I’ll be forced to castrate you. We clear on that?”

“What does that mean?” the Brads asked, confused.

Pandora had hit the nail on the head when she’d said they weren’t too bright.

I gave them a scathing stare. “It means I’ll lop your dingdongs off.”

“First rule of dingdong lopping is we don’t talk about dingdong lopping,” one of the Brads hollered. The other Brads snickered.

“NO MAKING LOVE,” the Clarks shrieked, obviously taking my threat seriously.

“Glad we agree,” I said. “Next. Which way do I go on the green brick road? Left or right.”

“Left!” the Jennifers squealed. Everyone else nodded.

“Thank you.” Phyllis had gone to the right. Maybe she wouldn’t be popping in, after all. “Are you good at fighting?”

The Jennifer’s flipped their marvelous hair, and cried, “We’re spit-on-your-pants-kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic at fighting!”

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